Morning Mental Musings

 I'll tell you right now that it's another mental rumination about Old Boss. 

- Do you miss me?

- Do you think about me?

- Do you regret the way you treated me?

- Do you think I did this to hurt you?

- Did you ever defend me the way you defended My Buddy?

- Did you ever think of me as highly as you thought of Favorite Friend/ Good Ole boy?

Why do you never ask this girl to do more work?

Why was it okay to let me go so easily?

Is there anything you would change?

Did you mean to mistreat me?

Why is it okay for people not to do their work? Why is it okay for people not to do their work and for you to assign it to me?

How come you never defended me?

You let Boy Blue mistreat me and then still asked me to work with him? Do I not hurt when people hurt me? You remember how upset you were when he spoke to you that way? I never got an apology. You let him talk to me any ole way and still volunteered me to help him? How do you think that made me feel? I'll tell you.. bad. It felt bad. It's why I left but I want you to know it too. Do you know how much you've hurt me.

You let My Buddy call me names in your presence and you didn't defend me. But still expected me to stay an extra week or two to babysit her/ support her while you were on vacation? Did that make sense in your mind? 

I mean you won't let me say one word against her - this girl drops the ball consistently  - on big things and small things and YOU SAY NOTHING! Why? Honestly, what is so great about her? But she can call me whatever name she wants and say whatever she wants to me - and you think I should just take it? How is that fair? How do you think that makes me feel? I'll tell you - it makes me feel bad. It makes me feel hurt. 

It makes me think I truly was not valued by you, or appreciated by you. You were just going to "work me hard" as you say, but let her slide. You have the Dinosaur who does minimal to no work and you think we should all be classified the same.

HOW DID YOU THINK SHE (Old Buddy) CONTRIBUTED THE SAME AND SHOULD RECEIVE THE SAME RECOGNITION on the 5 week training I delivered, reviewed, re-reviewed, published and followed-up on. How???

Did you really just start believing your own lies? I mean - really? I get it. As I scroll through old email and old blog posts there were things on there that even I forgot. Which is funny because when it was happening, I thought I would never forget it. 

So at this 1p meeting with a mentor, do I vent about how poorly I felt I was treated - why is that all I can remember now. How did we get here? 

It's just so hard to wrap my mind around that you really think I offered such low value to the business. I just don't get it. I guess it's true what they say - people would rather keep people they like than people that do good work. I think that's what I always struggled with. 

I can't even fully enjoy my new role because I'm still thinking about you and wondering why??

I don't know which lessons learned from this last year are lessons worth learning. 

Quitting cold turkey didn't work. Maybe exposure therapy.  Hey, maybe I'll get to practice what dropping the ball looks like from afar. A couple emails have errantly landed in my inbox - are you going to respond to them and tell them not to email me? Please do! It's not my job anymore to protect your business. Handle it.

I remember when I was talking to Over Achiever and she mentioned that her manager said not to include me on an email since I was leaving. I remember thinking that was super suss because that would never happen on this side. I don't know what's right anymore. 

Side note - I still think Over Achiever ratted me out. Some days I'm mad about it. Other days, I'm glad you know. 

There was just never a version of this story where I never talked to you again and I would be this unhappy. Hmm. I think ultimately, that's what is still very confusing. 

Well done, you. You got me.