Losing My Mind A lotta bit

 I don't know what happened but between 11a and 12n I about lost my mind. I was CONSUMED with My Buddy. For whatever reason, a flood of all my old feelings just came rushing back. I couldn't see clearly.

This is what I don't get. What is happening in my brain, body, or neurons that makes this happen. Wednesday was such a much better day where I felt like this was behind me and then suddenly at 11a it was ALL I could think about.

I wanted to know how much she made.

Does she make more than me?

Did I actually make more than her? Did My Boss value her more than me? 

Is there any recognition that I outperformed?

Does my boss feel any remorse for letting me go or not trying to keep me? Is she hateful? Does she regret it? Does she replay any of the events of last year over and over in her mind? Does she replay any of our conversations about my role and ask what she could have done differently? 

I wanted to reach out to the intern to get My Buddy's salary.

I wanted to ask someone, anyone?

I wanted to reach out any of my old team and ask... why don't you miss me? why did you hate me? 

I get the feeling all the things I tried to streamline are just going to fall to the wayside or return to their previous state. I get the feeling that once I leave they were just biding their time or biting their tongue and a bunch of redundancies and useless meetings will return. Was that whole year of my life for nothing? 

I was spinning out of control. I did a little bit of work. But I played some loud music. I tried to pray quickly. And I reviewed some of my public recognitions. I mentally compared to the other 3 people on my immediate team. I received A LOT of recognition. Maybe I shouldn't villify my boss so much. Did she do that on purpose? No because there was really only 1 that I received that she didn't give to anyone else. So null. 

Anyway, that was extremely scary. And I was actually thinking that I was not as anxious these last couple of days but now I don't know. Spoke too soon. 

Proud of myself:

- Didn't believe the lies that I had so many texts on Ipad checking on me, i.e. didn't turn on Ipad to check

- didn't IM anyone on Old Immediate Team or larger team

- didn't message or call my family or randos to verbally rehash my disappointment and anxious feelings 

- didn't relook at boss's calendar

- didn't look at issue board

(I think I did relook at the public OneNote though)

But I think I'm going to step away from computer.

I want to get some take out and I may take trash to dump.