I am not worthless

 Sometimes I think the messages God or my guardian leaves for me are in the activities I do - watching tv and reading blogs. 

I should probably read my Bible but honestly being saturated with The Word rarely brings me comfort.

My cousin hurt my feelings by not telling me about her pregnancy and subsequent shower. I had to find out through the grapevine. Same thing happened with her boyfriend, fiancé, and eventual husband. 

Which is fine but it's confusing when you send me a card saying you can't do life without me, but then you do?

This is where I struggle most with life - when people's words don't match their actions. Which one are you to believe?

Anyway, as always one rejection recalls a host of other rejections. 

I'm trying to take a 3 month sabbatical from friendships at the moment. As soon as I declare something like that, there will be a diet peak... you know as soon as you say you're not going to do something that is suddenly the thing you want to do the most. 

This COVID was a good 2 year experiment for me. I needed EVERYONE the most and honestly the people that were there were there inconsistently. So I think what I want is not something that can be found here on this earth. 

I don't think I'm one of those people that gets to be happy, at least not long-term. That's okay. We all have our limitations. I dug so deep and looked so far and wide to try to rekindle these friendships. 

Although they didn't materialize the way I wanted, I feel I can move on not feeling like I did anything wrong. I feel absolved. 

I really wish I would trust my instincts and not backpedal when the next step is hard or uncomfortable or feels bad for a day or a year. I deserve more. I have always felt that way. But it's also been a source of unhappiness, so that makes it confusing. 

So yes, after almost every big decision I second guess myself. The grass is almost never greener. NEVER. But I'm also smart, and I don't make big decisions lightly. I generally don't always remember the reasons why, but I also am very empathetic and take a lot before my wellspring of compassion and forgiveness overflows. 

I think that's what happened with old jobs, old friends, old habits. 

My brain protects me from not remembering every single thing that led to a big decision, but I really wish I would trust myself. 

I have to trust that I have been self-reflective all along. Yes, not all decisions are THE BEST ONE, but it was the best one at the time. 

On one of my shows, the character said, even if you hate something you can be sad to see it go.  That was this job with my beloved manager. No matter how I tried I couldn't get it or her to love me back.  I thought this was my swan song. I thought this was going to be the thing I could be great at. Grief there. 

Oh well, I'm extremely nervous for Job #2.

I was reading through some of their old meeting notes, and I literally have no idea what they're talking about. 

I'm scared I won't be good at it.

I'm scared I won't pick it up fast.

I'm scared I'll suck so bad I'll be fast tracked to termination.

Here's why some of these fears are blown out of proportion

- It's a given I won't be good at it at first, that's known. 

- As for fast track termination, I'd love to say my company keeps people that aren't good at their jobs - THEY definitely do, but sometimes they don't. So that remains a concern.

Ultimately, I already reached a FIRE number that will allow me to retire at 5% withdrawal rate, so abject poverty and homelessness isn't too much of a concern, it'll just be bruised ego. I don't want to be forced out.  So let's say it out loud - I'm in a good place financially to try a new career! Pursuing FIRE allowed me to do that. 

At this point, who is even paying attention to me - LITERALLY NO ONE. I'm always alone so in this instance, it will be a boon. ( I will say the finality of it just makes FIRE seem so real.)

I think I'm just giving myself a 3 to 6 month grace period to learn the job, and honestly on one of the slides they were thinking of setting up a 24 month training period for new grads, sooooo I mean... I should be okay. 

As for COVID, I'm hearing the numbers are spiking back up around the world, so if I choose to engage in activities (which I'm half heartedly attempting so I don't get stuck churning on the hamster wheel), I might have to do outdoor things. 

I'm looking forward to sharing how Day 1 of New Job goes. I have always LOVED new beginnings, so in this moment I am happy!