Yesterday was not a good day and the $77 pay bump

 So yes, yesterday was A VERY BAD DAY. 

Today isn't much better. I don't have much work to do other than training. I am secretly loving it, but it also means more time to think about the Evil Witch. That's my latest tactic, I have to repaint the last year for what it was. 

I do wish I had more concrete answers - why weren't my contributions valuable enough? What could I have done better? If I had come that far, I really would've preferred to see it to the end. 

I guess the only way to reframe this is to go where the money is and stop seeing it as a career failure or stop-gap. 

I'm so tired of adapting though. 

Anyway, Smart Me set a reminder to check my new paystub. For 2 reasons.

One - to make sure since I'm officially remote now nothing weird happened with my taxes. Confirmed. still getting the appropriate state tax deducted instead of the headquarter site's state taxes.

Second - I browsed to make sure the extra $500 I budgeted for was true. False.

In the end, my net pay per pay period only increased $77/pay period. Wow. Laughable.  Well so much for sending that extra $500/mon to family overseas. If I had actually done the math, I could've figured it out but I didn't want to.

However for the rest of the year (Aug to Dec), I'd ratcheted up my savings to swallow up that "extra $500/mon" in auto-investments. However, with an only $77/pay period bump, this is what the next few months might look like:

Monthly Take home: $3336/mon

Recurring expenses (COVID version): $1100/mon

Auto-investments: $2,000/mon

Remainder cash cushion: $236/mon

So yes, it's going to be tight for the next few months if I don't change anything and stay employed.  Disclaimer to any newbies - I usually leave a lead time of 1-3 months expenses in my checking/savings account. 

Mental Musings on a Negative Outcome

Bosslady, what could I have done differently?

Bosslady, why do you think Buddy was so great?

Bosslady, tell me I was your best employee.

Bosslady, from the weak bonus score you gave me and the "you won't get there within this role" response to my request to get to $140k, am I understanding that you don't think my efforts and contribution impacted your business in a meaningful way? Am I right that you will never promote me over My Buddy? Am I right that you are grooming her to take over the Call Center instead of me? Can you confirm with a plain yes or no instead of making me guess and have to intuit and extract from actions or lack thereof? 

Can you acknowledge that she is not actually the SME you purported her to be when I first started? Can you acknowledge that she's more of a go-fer and doesn't contribute anything or at least not much? Can you acknowledge that she's more of your emotional support animal then a hard working employee?

Or can you acknowledge that you run me ragged knowing I was trying to over-achieve for a promotion and you took advantage of me? Can you acknowledge that you used my emotional attachment to you to overwork me knowing you had no intention to pay me more or give me what I was worth? 

OR am I wrong? Was the plan to groom ME and make ME the next AD? Did you see that I quickly surpassed My Buddy within a short period of time? Do I actually make more and that's why you didn't even come with a counter offer when I asked for more money?

Can you acknowledge that the issue with my start date was less about the Call Center needing support and more about you wanting to control the situation? But why - do you even know why. Either I was your best employee - in which case you would have countered and tried harder to keep me - but you didn't. OR I was not your best employee which is why you didn't counter and try to keep me - so if that's the case, why does it matter when I leave?  So - did you know that you were that controlling?

Did you ever like me? Were we ever friends? 

Honestly, what was the plan here? Just keep overworking me? What about anything I've ever plainly said to you made you think that was sustainable? Were we really that misaligned on EVERYTHING?