Sunday 9a Check-In

 It's amazing how much my corporate vocabulary has expanded in just a year. I never used the word check-in before unless it was for a video rental. Video rentals- remember those. 

This a.m.

I woke up startled from a bad dream. In the dream, I was held hostage by a gunman. I think we were teachers or in a classroom or something. Somehow I found my way into a closet with a sliding door. Someone else was there. She started shouting at the gunman. When he found us he was like who did it, I immediately was like it was her, not me. Then he shot her. I turned my back and closed my eyes and tried to huddle in the corner. It felt very real. Then luckily I woke up.

Why this dream? I can attribute it to a marathon of Evil Lives Here on ID. And maybe my regret about not calling people out. But then sometimes feeling proud of myself that I don't because it hurts people's feelings. But there has to be a middle ground with not saying anything at all vs calling people out unnecessarily. 

Then of course, I started thinking about my boss. It's just so weird not having work to do or checking email frantically. 

I started to think about things I really liked about her:

- We had the same birthday!! (It felt like kismet!)

- She called me before I started. (I felt wanted)

- She sought me out for a role I didn't apply for. (I felt chosen and special.)

- The cookies she sent in July. (at the time I thought it was just for me and I felt special, but later learned everyone got it mid-year.)

- She drove to Vegan Treats to send me a birthday care package. (I felt really special!!)

- She used to send me pictures of her daily life with her kids. (I loved it. I felt close to her!)

- She would message me Happy Monday and that she missed me when I took time off. (I loved it and it made me feel like we were friends. I felt special and valued.)

- She called me a couple times on her long drives from one of our out-of-state office. (I loved it.)

- For 6 months, after I started, she was the only person I wanted to talk to and did talk to. I just couldn't handle my family after my aunt's passing. (I thought it was divine intervention.)

What I didn't love

- The gaslighting

- The stress, the anxiety, not really knowing what the expectations are

- Doing what I thought was My Buddy's work (when I started she explicitly said My Buddy can't be expected to prioritize work because she has young kids at home; My Buddy was supposed to be an expert on telephony and Call Center and workforce management, QC but when the time came, I didn't really see that and I made more contributions than she did)

- Not being paid for my time appropriately

- Being asked to do more work as payment for good work

Today, I think I miss her a little. 

Somewhere along the way (I would wager prob around Basic Bonus Day?), the cute messages stopped. After my last 1 week off, I got no personal messages during my time off or upon my return. The Monday Messages stopped. Didn't respond to my latest text messages. And I was just overworked with none of the emotional benefits. I remember seeing her and My Buddy in the office (on video call) and just the way they interacted with her, I knew I would always be the odd man out. I under-estimated how close they were (even after a year of not having that girl do any work and learning I was essentially hired to help her).