7a, New Job, Day 5, So Much Backsliding

 I made it to Friday! 

Yay, thank you, Lord!

Between last night and this morning, so much backsliding!

Struggle Bus

- Last weekend I deleted some old links and bookmarks from old job from easy access. Then I remembered I was still daydreaming of being asked back (magical thinking), so then I just put them in a folder. Today, I deleted the rest when it hit me sometime this week for the first time, that I don't actually want to go back. The moment didn't last long, but in that instant I wanted to stay and thrive here. 

Call Center has been all I've known for the last 6 years. I was good at it. I saw myself taking over Call Center #3. In one daydream, I said to my manager, find a role for My Buddy so you can promote me to AD and you can focus on other more strategic business decisions. That was the dream. She would never promote me past My Buddy and I was getting tired of working around My Buddy. 

But like they say, the best way to get over something is to distract yourself with something else. On Wednesday, when I was busier with boring meetings and online trainings, I didn't have as much opportunity to backslide so Old Job was a passing thought. 

I don't know what happened yesterday (Thursday), but I backslid like a mo-fo. I think because there were 2 rogue emails I was on and I kept waiting for Old Boss to respond. I wanted to know if my answer was appropriate. I wanted to get a guage of where I stood. The Sender was attaching so much urgency to the email - since MERJ is transitioned and My Manager is on vacation, who will be doing this. Like, relax. People can take vacations.  Even if I still had the role and my Manager was in town, ugh doesn't mean we'd meet with you the very next day. Chill. 

It turns out one request for a meeting was actually already scheduled by the Sender's direct report a week ago, so not sure what that nonsense was about. I crafted my response over 2 days. Ugh.  But I had to creep Old Boss' calendar to know about the previously scheduled meeting. 

And the other one really had no actual urgency at all, I didn't need to be included and it can wait.

I was worried for two things - it would add to whatever annoyance Old Boss was feeling because she had no control over my exit date. Which in the end - DIDN'T MATTER.  And two, somehow I would say the wrong thing - I didn't want my words to belie my true feelings. But then I think, what are my true feelings? I don't even know. I think that's the part of me that still somehow wants this all to be a misunderstanding and I'll be asked back with a brand spanking new role and salary. This is why it helps to talk these things through even if only via a blog. 

But yeah, I was creepin Old Boss' Calendar like a fiend. I was checking out some old issue boards to see what was up (I just deleted that bookmark). And then this morning, while deleting more bookmarks, I discovered I still have access to the group's OneNote. Gold! I can't give that up just yet, maybe in a month when I've had my fill. A bit self-destructive, but I mean when am I not. 

I have a meeting with a pseudo-mentor next Friday and I know she's going to ask me about the job. I need to get my story straight.

I'm realizing how it might sound to say - oh, well I thought my job was in jeopardy so I asked for more money and when she said no, I bolted.  

I imagine that's how she's going to see it because the last time we talked I was panicked about job security. 

But in my mind, it was actually a culmination of things:

- Fuzzy expectations

- My programs ending

- no clear vision for my role

- but still being asked to take on these heavy projects that I was outperforming others on

- didn't want to feel like I had to fight for my job (and not get paid for it)

- picking up My Buddy's work

- outperforming

- chaotic department

- never really knowing where I stand performance or salary wise (compared to team mates)

- did I mention chaos

- unclear about remote work

- I just had no faith that this was going to end in my favor and every little hiccup increased my desire for FIRE

I think now I probably see it from Big Boss's point of view, if she was truly consulted. Why would we pay her more for less responsibility. And that's fine. I can acknowledge that if I only did the job I was hired to do, my salary was just fine. If I stayed in my lane, I had the cushy job of my dreams. But I didn't and I couldn't. 

I was being asked to do more and more or things were ending up on my plate. I think the perception of me having more bandwidth because My Buddy didn't manage her time properly has been a constant source of frustration. I try to keep my eyes off others but it's hard when I'm getting their overflow. I do think I disproportionately focus on My Buddy, she's not so much the source of my frustration as much as effigy of all of it. 

Actually, I may be magnifying this issue in my head.  I forgot Pseudo Mentor already knows I was looking for a job. So my new job wont' be quite as alarming to her.  Phew, I forgot about that. As for the Med Info role she was pushing me towards, I'll just say this was remote and an opportunity to learn something new (but only if she asks). I was getting weird vibes from the Med Info folks anyway.

At the end of the day for me, I perform at a high level and it takes a lot of hours to get things done in this department because the basic structure is still fluid. So I want to be appropriately compensated. 

What I feel good about

- that taste of I actually don't want to come back

- the lessened intensity of all "my ideas" for Call Center #3

- Still logging off for lunch and logging off at 3p

- Not turning on iPad because the Devil is lying to me that Old Boss is sending me all these congenial texts and the chilly sendoff was all a figment of my imagination

- Didn't cry today, yesterday, or day before

- still keeping good pace on training with New Job

- so far not intimidated by anyone

Still needs work

- Still creeping

- Still wondering a bit what they're up to

- Still hoping for some sort of mea culpa of my exit and them wanting me back (it's basic human desire)

Still feel weird about

- No one from old team checking on me to see how first week went

- 3 people I worked with regularly still never said congratulations (2 on my immediate team)

- team never said congratulations

- still wish i knew what was being circulated about me and what the reactions were

- the world just goes on without you (I've been here before)

- apparently on new team, demoralizing and demeaning remarks are part of the gig.. yikes...