Greetings, friends!
I'm still making my way through this breakup. Today is a light day at work. I'll try to get through 2 modules.
What went well yesterday:
- Did the two modules and not much else
- Resisted the urge to contact Holly-the-Overachiever (not her real name) to see if she shared my venting session
--- I thought to myself, what do I stand to gain? If she says she did leak the information, what do I do with that? What changes? Old Boss still made the decision to dump me. I wasn't given unlimited chances like the people she really likes. At least I would know, I told myself.
------In a moment of clarity, I thought why am I blaming myself that someone is treating me unkindly? I'm here racking my brain on what I could have done to be treated like this. Whack! I think some self-reflection is generally good, but I don't think I did anything that warranted being cancelled.
Some things I need to release:
- Recurring thoughts of "Kelly" treating me differently. Remember she was the one that blurted out that I have no filter. It always felt tense when I asked questions. When Mediocre White Man and Old Buddy would say ask Kelly to do this or that, I would ask Kelly and Kelly would make me do it myself. I realize it was a recurring theme. But this was another one of Old Boss's chosen family so I just went along with it.
What's making me anxious:
- I'm not sleeping well. Is this something I should try harder to solve
- I wish I would just stretch or spend some time outside
- I wish I knew how to stop magnifying these emotional events
- Should I open my IRA now?
- When will my HSA be transferred?
- How do I enjoy this light-work week and all the weeks to come?
- Am I really ready to FIRE? Will I regret this? Is there something more? Are all these decisions really sound or just emotionally charged? I just think of all the last 3 years of blogged entries of emotional distress and how intense they felt in the moment. They were a cause of a lot of actions including being the impetus of FIRE but when I look back, some of them were completely forgotten.
- I am craving human interaction, some kind of dialogue. I was on a 1-hour 1:1 with New Boss yesterday (Monday). I got a couple sentences in. Prior to that, the last time I talked was Thursday in a similar meeting, but they're not real conversations. They're just quips to seem engaged.
- Sometimes I daydream of a Hot Girl life. Should I pack up this FIRE dream and move to somewhere I actually want to be and keep working and earning and living a social life? What parts of FIRE are emotionally motivated?
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