Was there purpose for this pain

 I just cried for over an hour and it's still going on. Hot, fat, prickly tears.  It just hit me. The darkness came and completely consumed me. I mean like loud bawling, crumbling, ugly, loud crying out to God crying. 

It just hit me that this last year was for nothing. If it was to work toward something, it would have seemed worth it. We're all sold on this lie that the road to happiness is filled with pain and sorrow. I've got the pain and sorrow, where's my happiness.

I can't believe I was just used and abused for a year FOR NOTHING. Literally, nothing. And just like that it was though I never existed. I never mattered. I wasn't enough. I never belonged. 

What in the actual heck was the reason for all that distress. 

Six years of call center.. for what? 

What the heck was all this pain for? 

I searched for awhile to find the song that captured what I was feeling.

It's Tenth Avenue North - I Have This Hope

Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

What the heck was all this pain for? 

Except I don't have this "hope." I have this giant HOLE in the depth of my soul. I know that there is no rainbow at the end of my rain. I've known it my whole life. The Death Plan wasn't constructed because the pain ever revealed a greater purpose. I'm out of hope and I'm out of chances. I'm tired of this constant battle to feel something more than constant fire. 

I don't know what's worse -  believing that the last year was going to lead to something. I really wanted it to. How easily I would've been pacified. How easily I could've forgotten the last 37 years.  Believing this or this not happening at all.

Seeing the meeting to post for my new role was extremely triggering. I mean 1 year of evidence already proved that my boss and I were misaligned. I knew it, I knew it. I did but I was born into hope and it just keeps hurting me. 

What's the point of having this high self worth if you're the only one who believes it and the rest of the world just knocks you down. 

And just like that I'm back to being this sad, broken girl. This is the person that I keep fighting for but why?

Why do you save me from the fire only to lead me to another one. 

I'm just so sad. It doesn't make any sense. I thought God was looking out for me. I thought I had a guardian angel. I thought this Devil's Spawn was sent by my Aunt to look after me.

I thought that. I believed that. I thought knowing her was supposed to help me feel closer to my aunt.  To something. To someone. I've just talking to myself. No one's out there. IT WAS ALL A LIE. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN A LIE. 

I feel like an idiot. I wanted so badly to be better. I wanted to believe anything. 

To think of all the emotional turmoil. The questioning of my worth, my value, my place in this world. How much I dimmed my light. How much of myself I compromised because I so wanted a happy ending. I wanted to feel close to someone or something. I wanted to belong to something or someone. 

Does God truly care for the meek and broken-hearted because they seem to need more protection and yet we keep getting swallowed up by the darkness of the world. 

What will happen to us. I will meet my people in the Next Life I guess. 

It's just running from one tormenter to the next. I'm out of energy. You win. You always win, World. I was not a worthy opponent, I never was. 

For the last time, I TRULY, TRULY GIVE UP. 

I will never say it again.