Small Cog, Big Wheel

 I'm watching Deadly Women on ID. Maybe I find kinship in the company of grieving people. I don't know. Their sadness is so familiar.  I cry along with the victim's survivors as they retell their story. 

I think what keeps me confused at work is my level of significance. Some days I feel like I'm making a difference and making an impact. Other days it feels like why am I here. 

I'm disappointed today because I didn't hear back from recruiter or hiring manager. 

So I have to stay in a bad mood so that when the other shoe drops the fall is not far down. 

So next week will not be a great week.

- I need to call the 401k plan.

- I need to resolve my water leak.

- We have the Roles and Responsibilities meeting next week

- The managers meeting this morning with my buddy just irked me, and that was only 30 minutes; listening to them go on for 2 hours is going to be torture.

I'm considering these 2 summer months (Jul, Aug) a washout period. It's the period after churning and attempts at phoning it in. The hard part is putting on a happy face (like everyone else). This is something deliberate I'm doing in protest of something else while it's just a natural state for everyone else on my team. 

We'll see where I am psychologically in Sept. 

So Sept is my next inflection point.  

How to get through the next 7 days.

What can I control.

Bad decisions. It will be a week of bad decisions and remaining a huddled mass in my bed. 

This is when having my $200 allowance on my debit card is a good fail safe.

A lot of my bad decisions will involve emotional eating of pricey snacks. But knowing this was a slow leak for me in the past is why I have the debit card set up like I do. 

Although, I really wanted some Lorna Doone cookies today, but they never go on sale and it's so hard to spend $4 for a box!

So I got some $2 striped shortbread cookies instead. Even $2 seemed a bit much.

That darn Food Lion is so pricey with their items.

So I fried some chicken yesterday. Actually I was too annoyed to go get something so I fried some thawed chicken from the day before. Tasty! I ate 3 out of 4 pieces. Whoops.

I need some veggies. Working on that. But the thought of shucking corn was not on the list of things I wanted to do. 

Today, in my angst I went back to Food Lion. I got wings from the hot bar. Meh. Not as good as that first time I had them. Some stale and chewy plantain chips. Fail. 

I dreamed of Honey Smacks last night but at the grocery store nothing looked exciting. And all the cereal at Food Lion starts at like $4 so that was discouraging. I wanted to try the Frosted Flakes with marshmallows but it seemed so wrong. I looked at the sugar content and put it back.

However, moving down the aisle I ended up with Luck Charms with marshmallow clusters. Same sugar content as Frosted Flakes. Fail.

Goals to get through next week

- You don't have to call Progressive back about water leak

- You don't have to call broker 

- Only do things you're specifically asked to do for this week at work. No extras. No above and beyond. 

- Be agreeable.

- For Tuesday, agree to whatever they say (eventhough I don't think we should share primary responsibility for any tasks and I really want us to bucket our work better so it can stop being such a case of whodunit EVERY SINGLE TIME!). Say, yeah I love that. Remember this is their call center. They were just fine without you. And even if they decide 1 thing on Tuesday, by Wednesday, it will have fallen by the wayside. You're dying on no more hills. You are a tiny cog in a universe sized wheel. This is a child-star scenario. You can't go back and change their history together. This is not a story you can re-write.