10p Feeling Down

 My First Mom was going on about reaching out to family. But she's very traditional and lives in another country. I was pretty much tired of hearing it. I'm sure it's good advice just not well received. 

Anyway she mentioned my First Cousin was  having a baby. We stopped talking a while ago and sort of tried to re-connect, but honestly it hasn't gone that well. In my opinion, she stole my family, but they were willing captives. So, I'm pretty sour about that. Honestly, they can have each other. 

So I'm alone.

Anyway, I've been feeling bad for two days now with the impending transition and this heightened anxiety with this dumb meeting tomorrow.

So, I thought, one way to get over feeling bad is to make someone else feel good.

So I called to congratulate her. I was mostly annoyed that she didn't tell me she was pregnant. If she's expecting a child in December, that means she's at least 5 months pregnant. I've talked to her more than once in the last 5 months. That is just annoying. 

I told her I didn't know and she said I texted you to see if you wanted to play Clue (and I didn't respond). I'm thinking... ugh, what? All the times I've tried calling you in the last year that you never called me back on. Give me a break. To me, between the baby and her marriage, I'm being selfish about it you can say. If I'm not included in the journey and I'm hearing this stuff second hand, it's hard to celebrate.

She was dating her now husband for a year when I saw her and she never mentioned it. 

Recently, I had decided to get comfortable with my solitude. I think it was in preparation for this week. I don't particularly enjoy my family except for in times of crisis. I just wanted someone in my corner, you know. But I think that dream is gone in the way of my hopes of becoming a child actress.

The world stops for no one. My world definitely stopped when my aunt died. And I find myself alone again. So this on top of the recurring feelings of rejection this job and this transition are stoking is becoming a bit much. Even the much dramatized 9:30a mtg tomorrow is another rejection because my boss is choosing Her Favorite Friend over me. It all just hurts. 

And you can't say anything. At least I can't because then it starts more drama that lingers. It doesn't make the pain go away it just makes it stay around in 2 places.