Striving for FIRE doesn't excite me anymore

 I remember when I would have bad days at work, I would spend every single weekend trying to squeeze one more cent out to save or invest. I would re-work my numbers to see if there was anything I could do to speed up my timeline.

At this point this year, I'm still trying to spend only $15k.  Although a soft goal, it has been all the more tempting just to buy something! Anything! So I forget the goal and store it away far far away.

But today and last weekend was one of the first times in a loooong time, I'm talking years where I haven't spent a weekend just recalculating numbers. Nothing has ever changed, but I still do it.

I think just the distraction and having something to look forward to was enough. 

I would make so many goal trackers. Monthly trackers. Money trackers. New spreadsheets. New ways to try to break up the slog.

I don't know maybe my emotional state is the bigger priority in this moment. 

In this moment, I am feeling many things. 

I wish I had spoken up in the launch meet and greet. I prepared a speech and everything. Better Me would have told my boss - I'll greet the group and you can take over from there. I didn't do that. I wish I had. I just think in this soft skills job perception is everything. Every interaction with others feels like an opportunity. As a Sensitive Striver, missed opportunities just seem like the BIGGEST DEAL.

In the quality meeting, I wish I had pushed back on the white man who as been blowing me off quite a bit. I wish I could've stopped my boss from saying some incorrect information and including me in it. I saw it coming but couldn't find my words to talk her out of saying it. I wish after it happened, I had clarified. I will likely stew on this the WHOLE WEEKEND.

I'm trying different things to make myself feel better. It's not the end of the world. It doesn't take away from what I actually know, I try to tell myself. But in a soft skills job, it's not about what you actually know. It's what people perceive. It's the feelings people get in these random meetings. It's how you present yourself. It's being responsive and communicative in these conversations. When you're a me, there is this constant pressure to present the best version of yourself AT ALL TIMES.

But why? Over achievers can bounce back. But at least 3 people on our team talk to me like I'm dumb so this hurts my confidence and reinforces my sensitive striver overwhelm. 

How do I persist? How do I persist with the confidence of a mediocre white man? How do I come back from them trying to make me feel dumb without pointing out their flaws. 

Some of the things are things I intuit but some of them are actual facts that help fuel some of the overwhelm.

So let's say I transition away from this role to a 40 hour or less job. What exactly do I do with my free time? That's for the next 5 months and after the pandemic.

Do I just stay in solitary confinement for the next 5 months?

Oh, I'm also feeling extremely jealous and rejected by my boss. I hope the more I write about, the more shameful and embarrassed I'll feel and I'll eventually snap out of it because at this point it's a little ridiculous. 

She cancelled a meeting this morning. Then said oh I'm only free after 1:15pm. Does that mean re-schedule it? If not, then why don't you say that. So I asked and she came up with another topic to talk about. Then I schedule it, then she said I can only meet for 15 minutes. Ok, well sooo... let's cancel it then or what? What can we possibly talk about for 15 minutes? Then she sent a sad face emoji. I obviously read too much into that. So I said call me when you're free. So I was mad checking email and Teams basically from 1p to 5p. Because eventhough I'm annoyed, I still want to talk to her! 

This toying with my emotions can't just all be in my head. She wants me to want her! Only to reject me. I was already considering a washout period after I transition to my new role. But now I'm wondering - how long and if I want to come back to her at all?

Then I have this fantasy of her recruiting me back into this role and we take over the call center together. It's this well oiled machine of bliss. And I love work and maybe even stay until I reach a cool mill. Wishful, magical thinking much. It's usually how I know the end of a relationship. When I start fantasizing best possible outcomes. It's my classic coping mechanism. Instead of rewriting the past, I rewrite a fantastical future. To date, none of my fantasies have ever come true.

What is likely going to happen. A lot of anxiety over the next 3 months with new job. Still think about my Manager. Likely regret leaving. Think about going back. I'll probably message her a few times and she won't respond. My feelings will be hurt. I'll swear never to do it again. But because it hurts so much I will try again and hope for a different outcome to soothe the last hurt.

By Oct/Nov I'll be back to trying to churn out one more red cent to get to FIRE.