In this moment I am hopeful

 In this moment, I am hopeful. I know it's fleeting so if I ever look back, I'll know it happened...that one time. 

I hope I get to read my stories from heaven. 

I'm watching this show called Relative Race. I'd never heard of it, but I was looking for something light last night and stumbled upon it on Roku channel. 

People are so obssessed with family in a way I never have been. I think I definitely take my family for granted. I know it's because of them that my life didn't turn out sideways. 

Well, in this moment I am hopeful. I see a second start, a fresh start. Not even necessarily a second act. I feel like the previous 35 years was the prologue. So the story is just beginning. 

I have no idea why I feel this way. 

Too much sugar? 

My college friend I recently re-connected with said she doesn't believe in God because her wishes didn't come true. I know the feeling, but I've never not believed. I felt disappointed, but never unbelieving. I just felt I did it wrong. 

Maybe she was the last piece of the puzzle somehow. 

I unearthed so many ghosts and the graves are empty and there was nothing to be found. I latched on so tightly to my boss, but it just didn't stick. 

It just feels like there's nothing left for me in the past. 

I was afraid of doing some of the things I did in the past, but now I think it was a good blueprint. 

I like church.

I like being nice.

I like people that are nice.

I also like being by myself. 

I like doing adventure sports, but not all the time.

I like puzzles and recreation, but not all the time.

I really enjoy TV. It's safe and usually doesn't hurt me. 

I like junk food. But sometimes I don't care for eating at all. 

No one on earth will ever love me the way I need to be loved. Nothing has happened in terms of my position on a long life, but I think I can make some effort to make it more bearable.

I think next year, I won't treat the no-go-outside-time from April to October. I think July and August are the hottest times, but there are some cool days between April to October that I can find. 

I can spend some money now that I have a better idea of how money works and can make projections. 

Money changes everything. Having more of it is better than having less of it. 

My Boss wasn't a replacement for my aunt. She wasn't here to love me. I think she was here to extend a hand which I gladly latched on to, but at some point I needed to let go. 

I can't love her enough to bring my aunt back or erase my guilt and pain. I can't love her enough for it to re-write the pain I must have caused my aunt. I can't love her enough that it will somehow reach my aunt. That's not how things work. 

In this moment of hope, I can start over.