8p, The Break Up

 So, I made it through the day without too much scathing. It really feels like a weird breakup. I was definitely emotional the last 2 weeks and I still tear up thinking about missing my boss.

But then I'm also hardened that it was also weird. I definitely got some weird vibes from her mixed in with some good vibes, but I would say overall weird vibes. Given that, I don't expect to hear from her... probably ever. Which is hard to think about.

It is not at all what I imagined. 

It just makes me want a friend again all the more. Oh well.

I hope to have self-soothing "on lock" by the end of this year.

I'm bored of reading FIRE blogs. 

Nothing is really holding my attention.

I can't figure out new job - is it hard? is it manageable? is it just as chaotic?

I wanted to be more excited but I think I will probably spend alot of time figuring out why my last week or two was so weird. 

Is she just anxious. Did she hear me talking about her? 

I want to be happy with my life. Well, obviously not happy, that's never my goal, but I want to stop trying to expand these slivers of hope into anything more than a flash in the pan. 

Mental Plan for moving forward.

August - Orient self to new job. No big plans. Just adjust and observe. Allow some grace.

Things that are good:

starting new job

starting new job in aug/sep time frame - I like that it mirrors the old school calendar

fall is such a good time to start new things

starting new job in the fall makes the year go faster cuz soon it will be the holidays

so as long as i can calm down in august, the fall season should be nice 

old boss on vacation next week - i won't have to worry so much about interacting

things that still sting/hurt:

i was removed from shared box folder (ouch); mind you i've been surreptiously removing myself from distribution lists and teams chats but i feel like those were related to work; when "they" do it, it feels like a jab somehow; i'm just trying to figure out who even thought to do that because all the other people that have left... i've been the only one to remove them; feels petty and i can't figure out the reason

You'll be sad to know that i broke down, sent 3 more emails to my boss that were pseudo-work related. When I realized I lost Box access for a report, I pointed it out and she said I got it from here. It all just feels weird.

At 4p she finally sends an email to the larger team that I'm leaving. It's just all weird. 

I finally met with the Love of Her Life. I actually think that worked out in the end because it should have left a sweeter taste in her mouth. Oh well.

As much as I want to believe we'll stay friends, IDK. I hate that I'll probably have to leave the ball in her court. 

This is almost worse than the weak bonus score. I stayed for the personal relationship. Wow. 

Of course, like a dummy, I'm checking iPad.. maybe she texted me? Yeah right. 

I feel 12 again. Hoping a boy calls me or responds to IM messages. Or whatever bigger gesture I did because the last big gesture didn't garner the response I wanted.

And just like that 20 years of life experience is lost. 

One day at a time.

I ate 4 full sized cookies today, so now I feel weird. A little too sugared up but also lethargic.

Yo! I got through today. I did it.