If this is what I wanted, why am I crying

 I've been in a weird mood. It lingers into today. I even tried eating sweet things AND fried things. My mood didn't change. 

TV isn't helping. 

So I was pretty anxious over the weekend waiting on the offer letter for my new role. To make it official.

I told my boss last Thursday. I couldn't tell if she was shocked, surprised etc.  I still don't know. She keeps saying Congrats. 

In my mind, I've definitely made her the villain.

Then why am I so scared to leave her?

What has happened here. 

What is reality? 

Why do I feel so uneasy.

I got a new role and it's a little bit more money.

I don't know why I can't get excited

Is she even hurt by this. I feel like I've hurt her. I've been in a weird mood and she seemed to be picking up on it in one of our meetings today. 

I think just not knowing where I stand everyday really affects my psyche. 

Maybe that's it? 

Ok, let's think to how we got here. 

Time for another therapy blog. 

Le sigh. 

How did I get here? 

Well. FIRE. Make more money, get out of rat race faster?

I can't work on a team where everyone gets a participation trophy.

Chaos. Unclear expectations. Weird compensation.

Churning for nothing.

I can't even form whole thoughts. 

Did I get a new job out of spite? Is this what FIRE will look like - leaving the workforce out of spite. 

Maybe that was it. Who am I really hurting here? 

I think I thought this would hurt her. 

It's the old drinking poison and hoping your enemy will die. 

When did she become my enemy?

I think I truly just wanted her and the team to change, but that seemed bigger than me. Would it have helped if I brought it up? I didn't have reason to believe so because casually trying to bring it up .. didn't seem to go over well. So remember that.

Yeah. Maybe that's why I'm sad. It's like a breakup with someone you really like but maybe isn't...what? They don't want kids and you do?

I don't know.

I think I just wanted things to be different.

Sometimes I say to myself, if she had just offered me 1 dollar more and told me I was her best employee this would've been avoided. 

Could I have ever said that to her? Would I have wanted to? Would I have wanted to keep working for her if she had? 

When did feelings get so unpredictable.

I wish I could just drive to the beach and be swept away until all the feelings went away. 

Why does this feel like a rejection some how? 

I think because my heart is feeling like I wasn't worth changing an entire department. How ludicrous is that. 

Was it really our chaotic department or was it my relationship with my boss.

What happened? How did I get here? 

For some reason I have this deep seated fear that in the next 6 months to a year, the department will right itself and My Buddy will still get rewarded just for staying.

Why can't I be like other people and just enjoy the ride. Why do I want my dessert now?

So is it really the work, the work environment, the chaos, or my relationship with my boss?

How does everyone on our team do this. It can't be the work environment because people literally live through it happily and daily. Why can't I feel what other people feel? How do I let things go? How do I survive in chaos?

Yesterday when she asked for my start date to be pushed out, I got offended. It was too late. I don't know what conversation I wanted us to have but somehow yesterday it felt too late. It felt like an afterthought. What's funny is when I imagined telling her, I imagined us discussing it and coming to a conclusion of a good transition date. And it was just going to be this time of camaraderie.

But overnight my mood changed. I imagined myself saying, asking me to stay at a lower rate is a slap in the face. I imagined saying - that's as silly as me asking you if your dad will marry my mom so she can have access to Medicare and his social security benefits. I imagined saying, making even 1 less dollar is one less dollar for my family overseas. How dare you!

That's what kept me up last night.

I add so much backstory to these conversations, emails, and chat messages. I don't know what is real anymore.  Did I imagine some of this context?

I think this job has just been a long game of gaslighting. Just living in this sub-alternate universe where no one says the thing that is true. 

It's probably fine for most people because they have another reality. When this is my only interaction with other humans, it's just tough to know what is real. 

Maybe this just feels more like a loss instead of a win.

But for the weird work environment and participation trophies and constant churning while it appears that others are not working, it just became too much to withstand. 

So I wasn't necessarily running toward this new job as much as running away from my last job. And that sucks.