Some Things That Worked Today That May Work Tomorrow

 Ok, so we know I've been fretting about this transitional week. MERJ is not a happy camper in periods of uncertainty.

If all goes to plan, this will be my last week in my current role. Last week was weird. All told, it's all been a bit weird since Bonus Day. 

Anyway, let's move on from that.

I've been trying to figure out how to cope with this upcoming week. I'm not fully excited about the new role because given my history getting excited about things is a surefire way to guarantee some unexpected outcomes.

So just choosing not to think about it for now.

It turns out my co-workers don't like me that much, just like I thought. I was just a churning machine. Maybe people just aren't that curious, but there was definitely no outrage or even any curious side conversations.  So confirmed - no love lost there. 

Anyway, let's not get distracted.

I came on here to celebrate a small win.

I've been pretty down on myself for the sloth like appearance of my life in general with all this free time. I blame the free time for my churning tendencies. Oh my gosh, stay focused!

Ok, so in trying to come up with different coping strategies for the week ahead, I wrote out on some time takers.

I also changed my perspective. In a conversation with an old friend yesterday, it occurred to me that I used to yearn for free time when I was going to 30 years of school, I dreamed of this day with no homework. I finally achieved it and I'm listless.

So yeah, instead of bemoaning my lack of impact and general lack of productivity, I decided to lean into it. So I have nothing to do but flip from screen to screen. Is that the worst thing in the world?  I have to stay hopeful that when the thing I'm supposed to do comes, I will have had my fill of free time.

Today, I decided to stay in bed until noon. It makes downstairs times seem a little less endless. Also, it just gets really hot upstairs so I'm sort of forced to go downstairs. I just decided it was okay to have nothing to do. That's kind of the point of sloth life. I also had a realization that it was okay that I don't have a clear... what I'm running to in FIRE. It will definitely be a struggle, but I will have to adjust. I'm way too 1-track minded  and focused on getting through the accumulation phase to come up with sure fire things I want to do when I hit FIRE. 

First of all, if I paint this glorious picture of what I want to be doing post-FIRE, it's going to make it that much harder to endure the journey. I am way too much of an impatient person for that.  I mean I already quit my job once for a taste of FIRE now. 

Secondly, I would rather just focus my energy on the task at hand which is getting to FIRE. 

Other. Things and interests change way too rapidly for me. The world changes. I don't adapt quickly to changing plans. So I think even post-FIRE, it's going to be a day at a time. A bite at a time. And honestly, let's be realistic. The world isn't going to be my oyster. As magical as the thought of infinite possibilities sounds, I'm probably going to be choosing from about 5 things - doing nothing all day, volunteering a little bit, vacillating on travel, taking a class. 

I'm not starting a business, a relationship, or a family. I'm not slow traveling around the world. I'm not moving to some exotic location. I'm not doing anything of meaning. It's unlikely anything will change, at least not the things I can control.

More than likely, something weird will happen and I will still be living a life of reacting and adapting to circumstances.

The only thing I have daydreamed about a little bit is moving away from this Death House. But I can't entertain that much hope. At they very least, I might get some security cameras. 

Anyway, let's talk about tomorrow.

The current plan is:

Work 9a-12n. So 3 hours. 

Move downstairs and rotate through TV, reading, eating +/- an activity.

That's it. 

No work Ipad for the whole week. That's my goal as it's such a source of anxiety and keeps me wired to the workday balagan. It's currently off and that is my overt act of trying to properly detach/disconnect.

I only have 1 meeting during that time frame and so I hope to get some CE credits done. 

I hope to completely log-off from work. No mad checking email. I have no more fires to put out. So it'll be a part-time vacation. 

I found a couple shows to add to my rotation, so that should help:

The L word x 6 seasons

Virgin River x 2 seasons

I have some books. And a paint class voucher I still need to use. 

So while, I couldn't find a vacation spot, I will just camp out downstairs. 

My main goal is to stick to the 3 hour workday each day. I've been blown off way too many times by Big Boss and I have to get out of that churning mentality. Lately, my doing things pre-emptively has just spectacularly backfired that I can't be bothered. 

I think it'll be good too because last week she seems to be in some sort of panic-anxiety mode. And this like waiting on her to direct my day is really no longer necessary. In fact, I'm deciding to bring up nothing tomorrow on the meeting. There were a couple minor things outstanding - some call guides, some telephony, and some vendor stuff. But again, petty stuff that can be easily forgotten in the chaos. 

 Plus, she's been busy since the merge. I think she's just inundated with emails and stuff is just getting half-done.  Just the way I met it. And unfortunately the way I'm leaving it because I couldn't get an entire workstream to change their ways, but man what I was able to do in spite of that!

I'm really pleased I went through with taking 2 days off this week. Good job, Brain! I wasn't sure which 2 days but I think in the end it didn't matter! Wed and Friday actually was pretty genius because it just makes Thursday such a wash! So for once, something may turn out better than expected. 

So yeah, for each of the 3 working days, I plan to work no more than 3 hours. I'll stay continuously logged on for the 3 hours (working on CE stuff, I hope) and then log off for the day. 

I just have to declutter my mind and detach. 

All in all, when I look back on this year, I feel pretty grateful. Although my effort, impact, and contributions weren't enough to garner me the raise and recognition I seemed to crave, I'm really proud of myself. Because in spite of it all, I went above and beyond for every ask. I made so many positive contributions and had so many great ideas. I had so many responsibilities and I killed it! I beat myself up over some pretty minor things I wish I said, but for being thrown into a role with ever changing scope, I nailed it! I nailed it y'all. I made a lot of contributions and did some really great work. I mean like the things I did mattered. There is printed material the public will see that were a result of my voice! How awesome is that. I was proactive. I solved problems. Everything I touched, I left better than I found it.  Telephony problems I solved and identified. Technology issues I solved or accounted for. I did a way lot! So in my mind, I'm leaving in a blaze of glory. I came, I saw, I conquered. And I did it without the support of my dumb teammates. 

Let's end here for now. High-five!