Sometimes My Brain Plays Tricks On Me

 It's true. Sometimes my brain plays tricks on me. When I'm hurting, I am blinded by the hurt. It is the only thing I can see. It's the only thing I think I will ever feel. EVER. 

When I'm not hurting, it's hard to remember why I ever felt that way. Right now, it's one of those times. I have these vague memories of how I got here at work. I don't remember why I became so resentful at work. Why did I want another job anyway? What exactly don't I like about this place. 

I work from home. My boss is so lovable. The job is pretty easy, if not constantly shifting and confusing. I get paid pretty well if I color within the lines. So what gives?

I don't know. I try to remember, but it's like the pieces don't line up. Why did those grievances seem so magnified? Even when I try to remember, it's like my brain misfires and I just can't get there. Or if I get there, it's like a transient thought. 

This is what it must be like for happy people. Their pain is like a sting that quickly resolves. 

Anyway. 

For whatever reason, I have pretty much checked out of my job and I'm not sure why. I find myself hoping to get the next job. But I think it's less that I want it and more I don't want to feel whatever rain of pain is bound to come if I get rejected. 

I do picture myself feeling joyous when I tell my manager that I'm moving onto the next thing, but I don't fully know why. 

I'm actually terrified of meeting a whole new group of people. Having to churn for yet another year. Having to learn new codified corporate speak. Ugh. 

But then I think back to my current colleagues. Whatever the history, I find myself treating them like the enemy that I have to be tactical against. My brain has convinced me that they deliberately mistreat me, leave me out, talk about me, secretly harbor ill feelings towards me - so that it's only a matter of time before our working relationship turns entirely toxic.

So yes, that's what it's like to be me. At 4a, these are the thoughts that keep me up at night.

I think just in any situation when you're not allowed to be most of yourself and your key features are meant to be kept at bay, it's hard not to live in your head. Because, you see, when you are masquerading these different versions of yourself, to make your story stick, you have to come up with a backstory. Or at least I do. Maybe that's how I came to make my workmates the villain. 

I need a backstory to be able to live this talltale. 

There has to be some truth in it. 

A lot of it is past experience and when there's even a shimmer of that in current experience, the past experience becomes intertwined with the current experience. I think that's just life. 

So far I've been called challenging, no-filter, and snarky. When I've tried to defend my boss, in nothing but total devotion, she's snapped back at me - wondering why I'm so invested. How about that!

They do it so subtly that I don't even realize it until someone points it out or in moments like these. 

One thing I liked about Call Center #1 was that people were actively trying to vote me off the island because I didn't want to hang out with them. But I felt safer there in terms of job security because my job was pretty task driven and autonomous. 

Here, because the job is pretty vague and fluid, relationships are paramount. That's a scary cliff. It doesn't fit my ways of working. 

I think that's one pull for new job - it should be more technical. 

But I don't know, I'm just having trouble dealing with the fact that they didn't want me (right away). Are they going to interview the 2nd internal candidate now?

I'm giving it till Tuesday, then I'm calling it.

Wednesday will be so hard.