Deflated, Of Course, and Return to Work

 It hasn't fully hit me because the day has just been busy. I didn't realize how much presenting takes out of me. It's an adrenaline rush but not a desirable one and I leave feeling exhausted. I guess this is what it means when people say being around people energizes them.

I'm the opposite. It drains me. I feel like I did a lot of work today because I'm just mentally tired.

My boss had a minor melt down because the vendor was saying we didn't communicate some of the changes that led to less calls coming into the call center.

I just brushed it off but I think it affected my boss.

With my head down, I tried to stay quiet but then she specifically asked me to engage in the conversation. I don't even remember what I said.

After the anxiety ride we had when we first launched the new database, I am learning just to ride out her anxiety.

We are very alike. 

I am deflated because in yesterday's late night angst I had the great idea to reach out to the recruiter today to see where I was in the process.

Admittedly, my chest was puffed out on Tuesday after the interview because I think I answered the questions as scripted so I thought it was going to be good news.

The recruiter was basically like oh I haven't heard anything from the hiring manager. Ugh.... so much for hearing back this week.

If they really wanted to move fast, I would think the recruiter would have been the first to know. It's definitely possible that the hiring manager had to check in with her leadership team but I would think that involves the recruiter. I don't know. 

So from puffed chest to sad balloon. 

That sucks. 

Then  My Buddy and her Mediocre White Man are I think taking the lead on another project that actually already started but will be in transition from now to October and before my boss had casually mentioned that I was already good on transitions hinting I would be the person to take the lead on that. 

At this point, I've lost track of what my objective is. 

And now our work is saying that return to work will begin in September. So, I think I'll choose to enjoy the summer. I have no idea what the rest of this year looks like, but somehow I feel panicked. 

I don't see myself going back to churning but it feels so wrong to fall back. It's just confusing.

Focus on my program and telephony reporting until Sept.

Then what, by then my project will have launched for 2 weeks to a month. And telephony hypercare reporting will be done. 

Did I think this all the way through?

Should I be fighting for my job?

In other news, I ate at McDonald's last night even after they kept my money for an order I did not receive. Too tired to fight back. 

I still have yet to resolve my water leak.

Something about the Return to Work notice just got me feeling a little anxious. This was earmarked in my Brain as Covid Year 2. All my plans are for the rest of the year, not just the next 2 months.

Things seem to be moving both slowly and quickly at the same time.

Not to panic, not to panic. They said not to panic.

Uncertainty is just not my favorite companion.

My house is a mess. I never fully vacuumed up all the dead bugs. Frankly at this point, my vacuum doesn't have enough suction to suck them out of the baseboard crevices. 

How long will it take me to snap out of this funk?

It felt better when I was actively not over-achieving when there was stuff that felt like it needed to be done. But all that happened is it got moved to someone else's plate. Was that what I wanted?

How does everyone lay low for so long and feel good about it?

I think the Return to Work is just going to make me standout more, I think. I'll be the only one not on site so I think it just automatically shoves me into view. So if people don't actively see me "working," they'll really question my value. Not good.

Oh well. What I was doing wasn't sustainable. 

I don't want to think of any next moves. I don't want to come up with any contingency plans. 

So there's only 2 outcomes:

-I'm made redundant by the end of this year

-Or I'm not.

What do I even say if My Boss Asks?

My first instinct is to stall. Yeah.

But if they ask me to go back to work - 

- Do I effectively quit?

- Do I look for another job in the company (already tried!, will I be desperate enough to knock on Med Info's door and get a hard no vs the soft no I already got?)

- Do I look for another job outside the company?

Ugh. 

How can I not worry about this and really try to enjoy the next 2 summer months.