Why don't you want me?

 8a Full disclosure this is another inappropriate post about my ridiculous attachment to my boss.

I was reading a couple FIRE blogs with the success stories of people who tried to leave and their company tried to get them to stay with a higher offer. 

THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME!

That makes me sad.

I think that's part of what I'm feeling. The daily rejection in many different forms and just the overarching confirmation that I'm not wanted or don't belong.

I feel so silly even typing this or crying over it.

But it did sting a little. I'm still not the best. 

Or I can choose to focus on the effort my boss took to onboard me initially. That was nice. 

That was this a.m. I was too embarrassed to post it so I left it as a draft.

It's now 5p.

So many feelings have happened. I was feeling the rejection, the less-than, the not-good-enough, the forgotten feelings. 

Then I asked the internet and they reinforced that it's actually a good thing if you don't get the counteroffer when you try to leave. A good company wouldn't do that. So I decided to buy that narrative. Sold! No buyer's remorse.

So then I was happy again. Because yes, I would've been probably saltier if she had buckled after I had a better offer. I still wanted her to miss me just a little or at least acknowledge that her team will not be as awesome. Too much?

Then at 2p I got goodbye cookies in the mail. This normally would make me feel elated, but I know she sends cookies to all her teammates. Let's be honest, I was still a little happy. 

So from 8a to 5p, I pretty much spent every hour creeping her calendar and checking email. I checked email and had reactions but resisted the urge to send responses. 

There's so much going on that I really wanted to be a part of, but yeah I think I just burned out. I used to hope that after 6 months I'd be asked back to a better Call Center #3, but I think it would be best if I just carry on. 

This is literally what I've known for 6 years and to not have anything to do with it is weird. But then let's think about Call Center #1. I can't remember what I felt leaving there. Probably similar feelings. I log these feelings to look back, but I almost never do. It's usually too sad.

I think regarding that drama email and messaging of yesterday, I think I am going the passive petty route.  I DEFINITELY WANT TO CALL PEOPLE OUT, but I decided against that.

I think I will silently decline and then appear busy during the meeting time and hope and pray (and sweat bullets) that they don't try to call me. 

By 1p when my boss and I meet for the last time, given our team's history she won't bring it up. However this Prince Charming is HER FAVORITE even above MY BUDDY, so she might. But I'll just say sorry, I thought you had it handled.  Or... oh was that today? 

OR.. if she brings it up... I might just go petty...

I'm pretty sure Product Owner, BS support, or My Buddy who I understood to have tons of experience will have it handled. 

Ok, yes! A petty escape hatch. If she goes low, I'm def going low! Bring it! That actually makes me happy. 

I wish I knew what story was out there. 

I'm really happy the other overachiever reached out, it helps justify to me that my teammates are abnormal. 

I don't need to love or like the next job, I just hope I can learn it quickly and do a good job. And if for some reason, it doesn't suck, I hope that it is a skill I can use if I ever want to get another job.