July 2, I'm trying really hard not to blow up my life

 It's 2p, and I've run out of things to do. Remember school days when all you cherished was a free night or a weekend with no academic obligations.

That's my life, for the last 7 years.

Now what?

I thought having a partner would solve my alone-ness problem. It seems that's all people do right. They live their 30 years. Then they live 30 years doing the same thing with their kids. Then they live 30 years after that doing the same things with their grand kids.

So I figured I did the single girl thing for the last 7. I would trade in the kid for a partner. But alas, I see why people just get the kid. You can't make a partner! I always think I've outsmarted the system, but the House always wins!

I'm sooooooooooooooo glad I got that hysterectomy because this is exactly what I thought would happen. I could totally see crazy brain "accidentally" getting pregnant just to have something to do. 

Knowing this I probably should stay off the apps unless I "accidentally" end up disappeared. So yeah.

Too bad I can't accidentally fall in love and live happily ever after. If I designed the world, there would only be happy accidents. I would think it should be easier to be happy than sad, but alas I am not God.

I'm excited about my ring.

Ways I've blown up my world today:

- Stayed in bed after 12n.

- Spent $5 in breakfast biscuits that I didn't finish.

- Spent hours poring over 2 messages to 2 boys - 1 could make a case for half-stalking (j/k); the other is a person of interest for Slow Fade.

 - Speaking of Slow Fade, I have no idea what I'm doing with him. I was waiting until Tuesday just to observe how he takes the lead. Then after that, I was going to do what I wanted. But what did I want? Now that a few sources, including the internet, are telling me this is going nowhere... what exactly do I hope to get out of this? Flirty texts? A relationship? Just asking if he wants a relationship. But we already said we wanted to see each other again, just nothing came of it. Oh that's what I wanted within the first week. At least something to indicate we would actually see each other again! So far, nada. 

Then I think I downgraded...

Wait, he just texted!

Ugh. 

Happy, then sad again.

Part of me wants to wait for the therapist to ask her what to do once and for all. But how do I tread water till then? She says let him earn you. Gross. 

I will say the send and delete strategy I've been deploying for this Boy is working. I can't go back and change anything.