It's weird being completely alone

 It's weird being completely alone. For the first time in a long while, I didn't wake up with any messages or hoped for missed calls to check. I have been on and off this dating journey for about 9 months.

Honestly, this weekend, I was on and off a lot of steps moving forward. It changed just about every 5 minutes, seemingly.

One Brain is like gosh another month of solitude, get thee to Seattle! 

Another is like take this time to heal and recover. Just accept your fate and move on.

The other is like keep praying!

The other is like take time to heal and recover but then go in August and stay for 3 months.

Stay for 6 months! Stay for 9 months!

Rent a room! Rent a cheaper studio! Get a roommate!

One thing that is working is by spending a lot of time clicking and planning, the fun and spontaneity of it is wearing off so I'm down to a 20% chance of going.

Part of me tries to rationalize it when feelings get in the way. So far we are at, well... my next milestone/inflection point is Mar 2024. I'll be turning 40 that month. My job isn't so insecure as much as my feelings toward working are. 

So I'm thinking I have cash-flow for at least 18 months, so now is the time to jumpstart my life, so spend all the money and have all the fun! So, with that as a guard rail, I want to just move there and jumpstart the next adventure so I can at least try and if I fail fantastically, I can come back to Death House and let the death march begin.

I don't want to make 2 more years working a goal, as much as just trying to see how much longer I can stay in the role and earn an income.

I know I respond to fresh starts historically pretty well. At least for the first few months, I'll put my all in - getting out there, meeting people, doing activities I don't really enjoy. And then come back and lick my wounds.

I keep wanting to hope and/or pray for signs, but I'm hopelessly bad at reading signs and I gave up that ghost a long time ago. It just causes a lot of confusion and I spend way too much time trying to find meaning in things where there is none. 

I don't even trust when things seem too be good to be true because even that turns out terrible - read Dream College #1, Dream Grad School #2, Call Center #4. 

Part of the reason I think I can make it another year or so in this job is I hope I can slip under the radar for about 2 years as a new hire before I'm asked to really perform. The really perform part is what I'm afraid of. 

Some of the signs I was too afraid to hope for - if Blueground accepts my booking and if I can get a moderately lucrative ($25+/hr) part time job in Seattle to offset the costs.

I forgot about the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. But I was reminded of it yesterday. I got my ring. I slipped it on and it already brought me some strength.

I still ugly cried Sunday though. I'm just at my wits end. When I imagine the next 20 years of solitude, it's scary in a bad way. But this was always the expected outcome. I just have to decide if I can live with it and for how long. Last night I was thinking, I hope I can make it to age 45. If I count these 2 years of pre-retirement, that'll give me 7 years of pre-retirement/retirement to match the 7 years of working.

In good news, I at least went to church on Sunday, and I didn't cry. But my eyes definitely got full at the ending prayer.

This morning I did remember how devastated I was last August when I left my old team. It felt like the ultimate break-up and now I'm like meh, you probably could pay me enough to go back but I'm not searching. 

One of my mood apps likes to remind me that even if you feel bad right now, it won't always feel this way. So true! I am starting to realize these little mind thoughts don't help in the moment, but if I can strengthen rational brain outside of Feelings storm, that might be the way to go. 

Last August, I was really, really hurt. I'm doing much of the crazy stuff and feeling a lot of the crazy stuff I feel right now for whatever x,y,z boy it is. I wish I would just remember that. 

It does suck though to think I'll have to go through more of that to find love. Meh. 

I need to pack for this work trip.