Crying over a pothead

 This is what my life has come to. Did I tell you I added and deleted Hinge over basically 1 train ride.  In my angst of reaching out to the last boy who paid even a little bit of attention to me, I ended up reaching out to Racist Friend.

I asked for contact information for a mutual friend. We had lunch for about an hour. It was okay. I feel empty inside. You know when you run out of tears.

I've pretty much blown up Seattle Guy's phone over the last few days. I think secretly I want to close the door forever. Like Margaret Cho once said, if they don't like me, I'm going to make them hate me! 

I know this feeling won't last forever. I just have to get through 3 days.

I couldn't sleep because I think I'm killing birds that keep flying into the window. So I checked my phone. Looks like my aunt gave my phone number to my cousin who I didn't really want to see. Now what do I do?

I called the boy. I think I'm still looking for some affirmation that there's something there. I maybe sent over a dozen messages today, and he sent one text back.

I'm looking for anything at this point. Anything.

I just feel sooo sad. I don't want this life, not anymore.

It's not him, it's just impending feeling of nothingness.

I don't want to fall in love at 50 or 60. I want love - true, awesome, life affirming, beautiful, perfect love. Or I don't want this life at all.

The day will come when I will Marie Kondo myself out of life altogether. 

Oh what sweet joy that will bring.

What a life when the thing that brings you the most hope and happiness is the day it ends. 

So I don't really want to hang out with my cousin. Do I tell her? Do I ghost her?

Am I jealous? Maybe? 

For whatever reason, on the train ride, I thought opening my life up to more people would help buffer the hurt I feel about this pothead boy. This boy is literally a recreational drug user. 

Today when I was hanging out with my college friend, there were quite a few moments I was reminded of Dumb Boy and I just wanted to tell him. I think this is Mean Brain just trying to confuse me. 

I know he'll stop responding, but I called so I could speed that up. I know this game, I've played before.

I just don't know what happens next - accept the people in my life or just keep refusing it because it's not what I want.

So,  I think there is a part of me that still wants to make the best of the next 18- 20 months before that final bonus day. I want to live in the city and try this full life thing with interests and hobbies. 

Because I know once I leave the workforce that possibility goes out the window. But I know if I choose Seattle, I'll focus on dating. I think that's why I want to run out This Boy so that I can close this door once and for all. 

But what to do with the others - the lingering friends and family. 

I don't know yet. But whether I want to acknowledge it or not, time is running out. 

I think I may just have to accept, that this is yet another perfect opportunity that I just couldn't make the most out of. Like all these other cool meet-cutes and cool date ideas and cool opportunities that just seemed tailor-made for the life I wanted.

I guess that's it. 

I wanted The Slow March to start after Mar 2024, but anything that involves other people and outcomes I can't control are just that - out of my control.

So yeah, this isn't the life I want. I don't want to hang out with my cousin. I don't need to be reminded of anyone's happiness, not right now.

I want to pout and eat my cookies.