In Memoriam of all the boys I've ever loved

 Loved is a strong word so this is really a nod to the book and feature film of similar title.

It all started with Ryan.

I remember so little about him but he occupied my thoughts for at least a decade.

Secret Love was my Santa Claus. It gave me a reason to hold on, to believe that all the struggle was going to be worth it. 

So people keep asking me why do I fall so fast. I, for one, think they're lying. I am of the belief that all women fall fast. Once we get the penguin's pebble from a love interest we automatically start planning a future with that guy. That's why we catch and release at the slightest red flag that paints the picture a different way. Or we don't and it works out or sometimes it doesn't. 

But to those dirty hoes that are trying to make me feel bad for "catching feelings" fast, you're lying. You've been me. 

So when I'm lamenting for days and feeling forlorn and dramatic over yet another love lost, it's not that guy in particular but it's the weight of feeling even farther from this thing that literally gave me life. It gave me a reason to live.

How do parents live when they lose their only child? 

How do people live when they've only ever wanted to be a mother and can't? What is the love-forlorn's equivalent to Single Mom by Choice? 

So each date that doesn't work out is another audition that I didn't get a callback from. It's why I never pursued the creative arts, I can't take the rejection. My art is special to me, like my heart. Would CBT help with this? 

Is that the realistic solution as opposed to praying for a pure, perfect, romance? You pray for coping? I'm tired of coping though. 

So this was going to be a cathartic list of shame and regret.

It started with Ryan

then there were some names I don't remember

Ryan

Marc

Douglas

some college duds - maybe Max? maybe Alex? they don't ring a bell

Greg

some light loves - maybe Joe?

those were passersby

more recently, there was Dan

Jamie

Colin

Dan

there was that substitute teacher

there was that boy in grad school

I'm sure they all felt like this at one point or another

gosh, Douglas was one and I barely remember him now.

It's both hopeful (that I'll soon forget this moment) and incredibly sad.

Feelings can be both so strong and fleeting.

So to all these boys who are data points that show me that there's something about me that people can't love. They can't instantly love. They question. They leave and never look back. And I don't know what it is.

I wish I had never met any of you. You didn't make my life better. I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never cried over you. I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never laid eyes on you. I wish I had never been born so I could make absolutely sure I'd never cross paths with you.

I wish I had never spent a minute thinking about you or trying to win your affection, your love. I wish I had never used you as a metric for life-affirmation.

I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never decided my worthiness was tied to you in anyway. I wish I had never associated the word Love with any part of your being. Your essence.

I wish you were all dead. Not in that I want to kill you but that you never existed. I wish I had lived a different life that our paths never crossed.

I wish I could take back all the good things I thought and wished for you for those things were never returned to me. I wish I had never believed they would.

I wish I had never thought I could be happier with you. I wish I could just be happy. Because without you is the only life I know.

I wish there were no you.

For if there were no you, I could know what it was like to just be me. Not a me that's waiting for you. Not a you that's waiting for you for my life to begin or begin again. Not a you to run the next leg of the race with.

It's not a relay race for girls like me. It's not a relay race for me, I should say.

It's just a race. There's no help along the way. You run until you run out of breath. And then the race is just over. It's just over.

It's just over.

There's no more me and like I wish there is no you. You will cease to exist for I will cease to conjure you or think of you or carry on any memory of you.

I wish I had never met any of you. Those memories are bitter. They're constipating. I want to choke on them and spit them back out. 

I wish you had come with warning signs instead of flashing red lights of appeal.

I wish I had never met you.

If I could take back any day of my life it would be all of them for every day of my life is bookended by some old or new or fading memory of you.

I wish I had never met any of you.

I wish I could live my life never remembering that I ever knew or cared about you.

I wish I had never met you.