7/4 - So we broke up (and major life lessons)

 I don't how else to call it. I'm tired of mincing words and not being able to say the thing I want to say. I think what gets me worked up in these high-risk or seemingly high-risk scenarios is not the negative outcome so much as thinking I could have done or still can do something to change it. 

My instincts have ALWAYS been right. It's the devil or Mean Brain (take your pick) that tries to convince me otherwise and there lies the problem.

I've tried so many things to Fix myself, but I don't need fixing. I just need to trust my instincts. I discovered a spiritual gift of discernment long ago, and working and dating made me doubt that. The world I live in made me doubt that.

Because just when I theorize something, an outlier or two will pop up to make me question my guiding framework.

No more!

Let the gold diggers have their day. Let the He's Not that into you convince their guys to come back. I travel the middle line. It's not the best outcome in every scenario but it's the best chance for the more favorable outcome in every scenario.

I'm just a numbers girl.

I'm not leaving situations too early! They just don't like me!

I'm not saying the wrong thing at the wrong time! They just don't like me.

I'm not running away or scared! They just don't like me.

My Brain knows before I know or can fully appreciate it. 

FIRE works for me because it's the exact solution to my money problem. That's it. It's not a solution to any other problem. I wanted to figure out how to leave the workforce even just temporarily, and it laid out exact steps to leave the workforce for good. I am forever grateful.

I have looked for exact solutions in other parts of my life and have just come up short. So I asked the internet, I ask the Bible, I ask professionals,  I ask adults with life experience and I just don't have a consensus on a solution.

So many of us look for cults in our interests - a place to belong, a place to provide structure or stability in something we are trying to rewrite from our past.

FIRE was my cult. Unfortunately, the solution was limited to just my money problem. I didn't get the belonging and community in real life, but that's okay.  I recognized that pretty early on. See some of my earlier disgruntled posts.

Anyway, the rage I just expressed in my notebook is over how I let myself get confused lately over this dating problem. The apps were not a solution. I recognized that right away but kept trying to convince myself there was no other way.

I don't want to get all into it, but I just needed to wrap my head around what was happening the last few days with this boy.

The issue for me is just this perpetual belief that it's a problem I need to solve by being cute enough or interesting enough. Did I say the right thing? 

Instead of recognizing these things as hurdles I do NOT need to jump over, I took them on as a problem to solve.  The messaging for women is confusing. Lately any problem I'd have about a boy, I'd search it as though I was a guy and the search results were grim, as in non-existent vs the millions of pages of advice for women.

It seems mostly women take on the problems of relationships. No more. Not this girl! The world can have their relationship problems. Ughhhh I knew this so long ago, it's like getting a gold star for learning how to read at age 38! Ugh!

Rebuking so much of the pressures of women has been so much of my battle cry for so long, it's astonishing that I got to this place.

See I had this narrative of my life that girls like me didn't get the fairy tale, they didn't get the life experience I'd hoped for. Then when I had 3 new data points challenging the narrative, I was confused. It must be ME that's the problem. False.

I'm so smart! I really am. But those 3 data points really shook my entire perspective. Had I been wrong this whole time?

The answer is a resounding no. I know in my heart, we only get the highlight reel, and I know in my heart their experience is not the experience I'd hoped for. It's not the one I imagined for my life eventhough I get all the highlights and pictures to the contrary.

And even if it is, the sample size is small. I have 38 years on them. 

And even still, I'm a numbers girl. See above. I choose the path of the best probability of the most favorable outcome. 

I'm starting to wax poetic with all these analogies. Basically, here is what I needed to remind myself of.

I knew definitively 10 years ago, that the life I was given was not the experience I hoped for. I'd always felt even as a young person (like adolescent young) that I was born in the wrong time and perhaps to the wrong family. But I knew when I went to professional school, I just had to accept it and do the best I can.

This is it - this is the best I can do.

The times I can recall easily being the most distressed was trying to finish my undergraduate education without money to pay for it or status to get financial aid and trying to leave the call center to at least have an enviable title (and more money). 

Those times I was trying for remarkable outcomes. I was trying to make my life fit this vision. 

That's when I get myself in trouble.

When I engaged our EAP program this year, I remember thinking it'll be nice to have support because I want to date and try to get a second job.

Those are remarkable outcomes for me.

I wanted to radically change my status quo, and it wasn't a life or death situation.

I'm not in survival mode anymore. Nothing is worth the distress anymore. NOTHING.

I've been given these remaining 20 years to enjoy retirement and a nascent life. Like living K12 over, birth to adulthood. 

I don't know how to make the best of it, but that can't be the goal. See I'm already trying even in summary for remarkable outcomes.

I don't know another way to express it right now, but I have the next 20 years. I just have to live, no remarkable outcomes.

I'll have to keep workshopping this to make it make sense. 

Basically, all I wanted to say to Mean Brain, is STFU! Stop confusing me. I was right. These boys don't like me, and stop making it seem like it's my fault! 

No more apps - that's dating apps and job applications!

Easier said then done because sometime in the confusion, I wanted to pour gas on the fire and I applied to two Med Info mgr jobs. Already got rejected from one. I'm sure I'll download an app or two before the year is over, but I really hope I don't. 

God Bless and Good Luck - that's what I have to say to myself when it seems like other people are achieving remarkable outcomes that I may have wanted for myself.

But that's just not my path.

I can discern. I am good at this.

Actions I took today-

Took my Seattle email and Voice number off my handheld device. I did forward any messages or email to My Phone's Gmail because quieting Mean Brain is a work in progress.

I think my 6 month goal is just say NO to apps - dating and jobbing. 

I don't think I have to worry too much about a contingency plan for Mormon or Slow Fade (my last 2 contacts making me crazy) because first FTGs and They Don't Like Me.

Haha.

It's so easy when you're not in an anxious storm. 

Mean Brain can't touch me if I don't do the things that hurt me. And I have a long list posted on my wall to remind me.