Let's Talk About My Therapist

So many things! 

I went to bed thinking about my therapist, and I woke up thinking about my therapist. She has now become yet another thing I have to overcome. I blame myself. Engaging a therapist is a result of generic advice. It's my own fault for falling into that trap once again.

At my aunt's funeral, people suggested I seek grief counseling. Heaven forbid you should cry at a loved one's funeral. Heaven forbid you should be reminded that surrounded by a room full of people that are supposed to be your family and friends, you still feel alone. You know that no one in that room is going to put your needs first. No one in that room is going to prioritize you or your needs. 

But when you say that to a therapist, instead of compassion you get judgement. You can't use words like all or never because that's cognitive distortion. You can't be sad because that's depression. 

I mentioned the discrimination I felt during my year-long job search. And apparently that's distorted thinking as well. When I say all the people on the interview panel did not look like me and I attribute that as a contributing factor to why I wasn't hired - that's because I don't have control of my thoughts.  When I look at the people on LinkedIn who were likely hired or when I search that organization's department page and see who was hired doesn't look like me that seems like evidence to me. But apparently that's self-esteem issues and distorted thinking. Say what now? 

When I say all the women in my life either want to be a wife or a mother or are wives and mothers, that's distorted thinking. Albeit true, but somehow I'm the problem. Say what now? I need a better grasp on my thoughts? Or is it you, therapist, that needs a better grasp on reality. 

I just feel like anything I say is a trigger for a new diagnosis. If this is supposed to be a safe space, I don't feel safe. 

So far she has implied depression, low-self esteem, feelings of not being good enough, transference, identity issues. 

Where's the support? 

Oh the identity issues came from when I said I feel sad that I never got a chance to know my late aunt or late father as people, as individuals, as people other than my caretakers. I don't know what they were like as nine year olds or twenty year olds. I just never asked. I never asked them what I was like at those ages. To me I just see it as another loss, this scary thing that happens when people die- their story ends and I don't know how to keep it going because I don't know enough of it. 

When I step away, I think if I'm a therapist, it's easier to "solve" my patient's problems if I can fit them into one of my therapy "problems." Ok, great. 

So then I ask myself, what am I hoping to get out of this? 

I met my boss, we had an instant connection. I remembered what it was like to have a friend. And I wanted more of that. I can't have that because she's my boss and the professional relationship comes first. 

So instead of getting mad that my boss, you know, has to do work instead of spend time with me, I thought since everyone is telling me I need grief counseling, maybe I can use that as a place to air my grievances and connect with another human.  So essentially, I want to use these free EAP sessions as a 1-way friendship. I just need someone to talk to.

You, therapist, are telling me that people shouldn't be alone. Ok, so can you be my friend for my 10 free sessions so I can get through this season of my life, thanks. 

So to be honest, I'd tried to seek counseling before. I was feeling stuck at work about 3 years ago. I think it was about 2 years after I started at Call Center 1. Two years felt like I needed to make some moves in my career and adult life (i.e. buy a house). I didn't have any friends (see above - erryone married with kids) so I thought someone I could pay to listen to me was the next best option. 

I might have gone to 6 sessions. I think you got 10 or 12 with my insurance plan at the time before you got referred out. Those I had to pay a $40 co-pay and drive over an hour because it was part of my primary care doctor's medical center.  Anyway, after she cancelled three times and I again started to feel like everything I said was being used against me, I stopped going. I requested a copy of the session notes and learned I was considered depressed and suicidal and essentially to be on high alert.  Cuz that's what you want when you go to your doctor's office for a routine check-up. 

But now those feelings of being clinically diagnosed with every word you say are back. And if you disagree, then you feel you are being perceived as defensive. And now that it's happening a second time, I'm the problem, of course.  Ugh. 

All I'm asking the world for is a friend. Why is this so difficult. 

People get to treat you poorly and somehow it's your fault. 

So yeah that's what I've been up to. 

I'm going to have to figure out this grief thing on my own. I can't remember now if I get 10 or 12 free EAP sessions. I was going to see them all through because I mean - free.  But I'm rethinking my guard rails. I immediately think I want to go into the New Year as a new me without this therapy trauma. So I don't see myself continuing these session in 2021. 

As for my relationship with my boss... I think what's hard is if this were a real friend who I really liked but felt the feelings weren't reciprocated, historically I'd just stop trying to make the effort and naturally the friendship would fizzle out. But I have to interact with this woman regularly, so I think that will continue to be difficult to manage. Plus, my bonus and performance review I believe depends heavily on having a close positive relationship with her. This is not in my head, therapist, I've seen the way people she doesn't care for get treated. She has told me stories of people that didn't care for her treating her a certain way. So this is fact, not feelings, thank you.  

So my approach is still to be upbeat and positive around her (not the cold shoulder I would give a distant friend) and to focus on being reactive not proactive in my interactions with her.  Sad, ugh. 

That's going to have to be my solve because I don't think this therapy thing is going to help me get there. 

Oh the therapist thinks I should be a writer and pursue writing. I told her I already tried that. Again generic advice. 12 year old gets published in a school paper = she should be a writer.  (Note: that didn't actually happen but just an example of the generic insincere advice I would expect as a child, not as an adult from a therapist.) Ugh, no, that's not reality. She asked why I would apply for 120+ jobs but "give up" on writing. I think when you need a job, you keep applying until you get one. No? 

I'm just so confused that some of my actions seem pretty rational to me and to be told I'm having irrational thoughts is pretty darn frustrating. 

Wait, maybe she's transferring or projecting her aspirations onto me. She mentioned she's writing her second book but her first book isn't published. She also shares a lot about her personal life. Should I know her son is in law school in South Dakota or that her dad was killed by the police or that she struggles with her relationship with her mom? 

I digress...where was I? 

I think haven't had one bad therapy experience in the past makes me less tolerant.  

Now that I' thinking about it... maybe we'll try to get 3 more in  to make a nice round 5 sessions.  That's a fair shake, I'd say. 

How can you, therapist, tell me I don't feel good enough because I ended friendships because people didn't have time for me. To me I was #worththetime. And if you, friend, in your actions are telling me I'm not #worththetime, then that's not a friend I want. Am I not allowed to have standards, therapist? Am I supposed to settle for 30 minutes every 3 to 4 months as a friend. I guess I am a depressed, low self-esteem, identity-crisis riddled individual. But I'm going to have to be okay with it.

I think the thing both my therapists have said is essentially by you going to therapy that means you're not happy. But I'm asking you for your help and you're throwing it back in my face? That doesn't seem right. 1st therapist- I needed help figuring out what to do with my life, in particular career and housing. These are things people with friends can usually navigate, but I didn't have anyone that could help me discern. My family's go-to is pray about it. My old friends were on the whole do whatever makes you happy. Both terrible actionable advice. Apparently I was wrong for seeking professional help. 

Now, 2nd therapist - I feel alone and need a friend. Can you sub in until I find one, thanks. Again, wrong. 

So what is therapy for? Because I'm missing the point. 

I chose not to qualify any of my statements in this post. This is how regular people communicate. I'm not trying to reach some higher order of being. I want a simple existence. Oh I forgot bi-polar! That was another one that came up. 

I mentioned being emotionally labile. I just meant I let my feelings make my decisions and I stopped trying to fight it. To me that just means instead of making the financially responsible decision of going to Walmart for my groceries, I willingly go to Food Lion because I don't feel like going to Walmart. So instead of taking the time to change my feelings, I just go to Food Lion. At Food Lion, I will ALWAYS pay more, but I can usually find a spot 3 or 4 spaces from the door; it's not this huge warehouse that I have to pick through; and by the sheer fact of it being a smaller outlet, there's less people. Um we are in a pandemic.  So yes, yesterday I went to pick up 4 things at Food Lion and it cost me $33. At Wal-Mart, I'm pretty sure it would have been closer to $27 or less. 

I don't feel like going downstairs to cook and clean up the mess after cooking, so I'm going to eat popcorn in my bed and watch TV. 

And I just know she's judging my hair because I haven't done it in like 2 months. It looks crazy. To me, I'm not trying to spends 100s of dollar to get my hair done to sit in the house. And it's always a process. The blowout place ALWAYS burns me and I can't be bothered to find another place. When I get my hair braided, it ALWAYS hurts for a week or two. I don't feel like being in pain so a lady on the internet doesn't think I'm depressed. 

So yeah, I let my feelings rule over me because I no longer have the energy to fight them. 

So that's my therapy rant.

Oh and at work, I think my relationship with my boss has shifted a bit. Remember the first week at New Job, Boss mentioned she enjoys developing people and she'd be okay if I found another position in the company after six months. As part of a professional development conversation, she gave me contacts for people in Medical Information (MI) and Promotional Review (PRA). I reached out to both. I'm not that interested in MI because it's tedious and boring and I don't enjoy doing lit searches. So I met twice with the lady in PRA, she too thought there would be more opportunities in MI. So she set up an introduction with another contact in MI. That lady asked me what my timeline was and I said if there were an opening, I would be open to it. I don't know if that's exactly what I meant.  But within a couple hours, she let me know there was an opening in MI.

Yikes! I forwarded the email to my boss because EVERYONE knows each other in our side of the business and I didn't want her finding out about it from someone else. Her response was less than stellar. So I didn't love that. 

Oh, in the sweep of the therapist, boss drama, I think I'm going to re-establish guard rails with my co-worker/former room-mate/ex-friend/ former classmate. The older her kid gets, the less focused her attention and then of course there's her mom that calls her 83 times a day. The only time we've had a conversation without her mom calling is when her mom was mad at her for like 3 days. 

Anyway, either I need to set the timer for 15 or 30 minutes or not call at all. Because the interruptions, the pedanticness, the show-and-tell, correcting me, challenging me, feeling of one upness, I don't love it. I'm annoyed enough of the time during and after the conversation that the benefit doesn't outweigh the risk enough. 

Is it so disordered to want people in your life to make you feel good ALL the time. Then, I'm disordered. 

Oh and I think my cousin was supposed to call me last night. She didn't. Since I've already decided I don't like her or co-worker from above that much, I couldn't be bothered to reach out. I've initiated the call in the past and she ALWAYS has something going on, so I'm having to wait for the return call or be reminded that I have NOTHING going on in my life and I'm at the mercy of others for their time and attention. 

I guess I'm disordered because I don't want any part of that. So I came, I saw, and I did not conquer. 

To 2021, it's going to be an interesting year. I'm right where I was in 2015 when I decided to traverse the world alone. This time I know it's the best decision where before it was just conjecture. This time I know no one is coming to save me. This is the way it has to be.  I am 100% alone. That felt good!