She Didn't Text Me!

 My co-worker was joking with me that she might need to stage an intervention because I can't stop talking about my boss! 

I'm sad to say - it's official she does not like me as much as I like her. 

I was hoping for a Happy Thanksgiving text. Didn't happen.

Maybe a Black Friday text. Didn't happen.

Today I know she was out donating blood. Maybe a photo of her "I donated blood" sticker. Didn't happen.

So, I think back of how my mind developed these expectations.

Well, I really like her as a friend, not just my boss. And I was hoping the feeling was mutual.

It's the longest we've gone without any sort of communication - I think. 

On her summer vacation, I would send her amusing work updates and would get a response. 

The last time she took a couple days off, I got a photo of her day out with her kids. 

I think most of all, what's hurtful, is I feel forgotten. Like all of the "friends" before her, she forgot about me. I wanted this to be different. If I had a friend who I knew was going to be sad and alone on Thanksgiving having just lost significant people in her life, I think I would have sent a text message. 

I refuse to linger in this desperate place. 

My brain is already doing the mental shift to put her into the place of ghosts of friends past. Devastating. I just really had so much hope for a possible new friend.

Outside of the loss of a possible new friend, I'm concerned my perceived pursuit of a different role in the company is what has caused this shift. I don't like that. First because if that has hurt her feelings and changed her opinion of me, I want to clear it up.  I don't want to ever be the reason someone's feelings are hurt.  Second because I don't want to lose what may have been a good friend AND a good boss. 

But it's good that the boundary lines are drawn. I mourn this loss as well. 

Oh! In other news, when I look back at the lies the therapist was trying to pin on me, it helped affirm a few things. I'd been fighting internally and somewhat externally with my co-worker/former-roommate (my cousin, one of my aunts, and probably others) for air time. I don't know how to disagree respectfully. I was constantly annoyed when she cut me off and ended phone conversations abruptly or was not the type of active listener I hope for. She is often pedantic and fights to be heard. 

In my mind, I thought where does she get off talking to me and treating me like that. Then I realized how petty and small minded that was. Those are the makings of troubled people. And that's not who I am.  I am a self-confident woman. A long time ago, I decided to let the way people treat me in their fight to be heard and acknowledged go. I had risen above that.  I had decided it was only worthwhile to speak up in life or death situations.  I'm not less accomplished or less right or less smart because other people don't see that or try insidiously to convince me otherwise. So to be constantly frustrated in these conversations that don't matter is regressive. Listen, humans, I hear you; I see you. 

I want to continue to be the person I want other people to be. I was stooping to her level and as the young kids say, it was not a good look. I always regretted it but convinced myself it would help her to see how she treats me. It didn't. We just both ended up being pedantic people fighting to be heard.

Where did I lose my footing along the way that I became so petty. I am actually better than this and I have been for some time. I have been able to persevere because I have always believed I deserved better and expected better from others. Eventhough 99.9% of the time people fail me and I end up feeling bad or hurt. 

But I can't live my life trying to make them feel the way they make me feel. I thought accepting the poor treatment was a sign of weakness and despondency. It probably is, but what good is fighting a losing battle? 

As the yay-sayers say, I can only control my own actions. I know my strengths and it's never been convincing people to treat me better.  I just usually cut those ties. 

So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the opportunity to re-challenge past convictions. I stand affirmed in them. I know too that there will be a washout period as I shake these current behaviors. But 2021 can only extend the runway for me to stand firm in the vision I have for my life and those I choose to invite in (spoiler: no one so far!). 

So in the show I'm watching, a boy just walked out of his mom's life and said you're not my mom, you're just some lady I used to know.  It seems so fitting for what I feel right now for all the ghosts of friends (and family) past. How about that!

And just to be especially nasty, my mind recalls that one verse in the Bible, and then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me.' 

Signing off this thing for 24 hours to reset.