Confidence with a side of anxiety

 Make that a big helping.

It's Sunday, and I'm feeling some nervous stomach.

I feel very confident that I am going to reach my FI number by the date I set out. 

In the same vein, I feel very confident I'm not going to reach it any earlier, so that thought doesn't even stay very long in my brain for me to entertain it. 

Reading how confident Purple has been in all her declarations makes me feel confident to publicly declare it. No more fear of 'jinxing' it somehow. 

Stuff happens. It just does. 

I'm not ready to share with the people I know just yet. But I realized I did share it with another person I just met. And I've been sharing it with some of my new friends. So that's inconsistent. 

That doesn't make me anxious. Surprisingly!!

So I've made some visual aids using Purple's examples on a Saturday to distract myself. I really just like thinking about and dreaming about it. I don't think I'll need it because again the confidence that it will happen.

Granted lots of swan dives could happen but my medicated brain doesn't even entertain that thought.

Even when I think of quitting my job because I don't want to work, the feeling doesn't last too long because reaching this goal seems almost certain. So my logical brain just takes over, like it's not worth it.

And because I have a couple of achievable things I want to do first:

- pay off my car

- go to Australia

- go to East Africa

- take at least 6 weeks off first

My plan is all but solidified. 

And honestly the thought of making a new plan is not very appealing.

So what's making me angsty -

- a hangout this afternoon (minor)

- this upcoming week with my co-worker (lightly mitigated with the thought I just have to lay down and take it for another week)

- just overall angst of future work; trying to find ways to make work more enjoyable/tolerable over the next 2 years

- my brother coming to visit for an indeterminate amount of time...

- addressing my nasty co-worker and her stupid face

I'll be honest, I haven't been sleeping well thinking about work. On one hand, it fuels me to keep working so that my safety net is very secure. On the other hand, it's a bit of rain cloud over the short-term. And I run the risk of wishing my life away. 

Luckily I have some built it in fun events even if they are just playing in the background.

I also can just get used to the fact that this is a small trade off for the big trade off. And like I used to tell myself during college...keep going until you get the F then you can quit.

So yeah even if for some reason, work goes off the rails. I'm likely going to dust myself off and find another job to make it to my quit date. So it's easier just to stick with this job as best as I can because I will unlikely find another high paying job in the next 2 years.

So, I resign myself to laying down and taking it. So yeah, that's really the source of my dissatisfaction. Trying to make the discomfort more palatable. Trying to figure out if I have something to prove. Trying to just make it as tolerable as possible but also realizing I just have to take it. Do you just take the bitter medicine straight or spend time trying to find sugar to coat it with. 

The easiest thing seems to be just taking it. Honestly. I don't have any investment in this role or hope for a better outcome.  So it helps to just remind myself. 

But it would be nice to have a little break before fall. I guess Australia might be it. So just hold on until then. Technically had a nice Easter slowdown. Then May has memorial day. June has juneteenth. And we get 2 days off in July. Then August is my trip. And usually Fall is awesome cuz the weather changes and then it's the holidays. 

So yeah maybe it's wishing my life away, or it's just life. Doesn't matter much to me.

And just like this I get a moment of calm.