Say Goodbye to Seattle

 Yesterday my therapist was encouraging me to go Seattle, at least for the Fall, to test it out like my mouth says I want to do.

But we all know, I really want to chase a fantasy life with a boy who is not that into me, told me he didn't want a relationship, and didn't return my call or text.

So there's that.

And really my feelings have finally reached a place where I'm not in the depths of despair and it's not really a place I want to go back to anytime soon.

My entire right side from my ear to the tips of my finger is screaming in pain. This is the reality.

How do I tell her, I'm only 2 more negative outcomes away from losing my life. I don't.

So, friends, the weather is cooling down - which was one of my main motivators to getting the heck out of NC, and so have my feelings.

I'm definitely nowhere near happy, but I'm also not as hung up on doing IT (the thing that ends my life).

So let's be okay there instead of chasing big dreams - a known trigger.

When I look at my pillars - emotional wellbeing is one of them. 

The money means if he were to even send me even a smoke signal, I can buy a last minute ticket and find some last minute housing without blinking. I'd be there in a flash.

But now that logic has returned, a Fall Trip to Seattle under the guise of starting fresh just doesn't make sense. Because I'm still chasing a fantasy.

And a part of me still wants it even if I can't find someone to slot in as "love interest #9". 

The best part about this solution is nothing changes. It's just the life I've been living for the last 7 years. I've already updated my 401k (in hopes my feelings would settle and I'd come to my senses- yay, I did!); and I've already unpacked my suitcase. 

And actually, this gives me a little romance to hold onto...obviously, he's going to show up on my doorstep magically. I've actually been dreaming he somehow knows my address and mails me something? I don't know where Brain came up with that one. And somehow we're magically going to go on this end of summer trip he had secretly planned. Now this is given, he's hidden me away on 2 out of 3 dating apps. So, of course, this is all some big secret love plan to win me back. Yeah, folks, make sense of that. 

So back to reality, where in I eat chips, watch TV, and wait to die. 

Toodles!