Latest symptom tracker: 8 (baseline:10, worst day: 20)
I woke up sad an anxious as usual. Are these St. John's wort's supplements even helping.
It's funny how dreams come and go. It's funny how sure I am of things and then in the next instant just as equally unsure. It's funny how it's really not funny at all.
Thoughts this weekend in Mean Brain Spiral:
- Message the boy
- why did I message the boy
- I hate that I did that! Why do I keep plunging myself in this death spiral
- i feel rejected!
- I want to delete these apps!
- I want to go back in time!
- I was just getting over this boy, why have I put myself back in this place!
- create catfish profile; stalk him; match him
- request data on Hinge to see if he already rejected me or is keeping me on ice
- why did I do this?
- I see he's online, so make a decision; he's actively not messaging you back, isn't that the same as a rejection; round up to he's already deleted the match? or keep waiting?
- why hasn't he responded to the catfish profile? does he suspect it's me?
- I just want to die. Maybe I'll re-start the death countdown. I think I'll set the countdown from Sep 1, 2022 to Aug 31, 2023. The last day of my life will be Aug 31, 2023. I can't take much more of this. I'm tired of being alone, forgotten, unloved, bottom of the stack. Why not just die today then? Well... I think few people get to experience every single last day calendar day knowing it's their last. Even chronically ill patients know the day is coming, but rarely do they know it's definitely the last July 2 or birthday, or Aug 7... and everyone else dies abruptly. This will be the ultimate test of patience and last thing I can definitely control the outcome of. No more wishing and praying or giving it 1 more year.
- I'm not ready to die, this is basically only 1 year of living a life with no or low responsibilities and I didn't even get to enjoy it.
- Maybe I'll set a new metric. If I can make x amount of money, I'm definitely moving to Seattle for a year.
- signed up on Bungalow to do roommate matching, but not ready to give all my personal info just yet
- getting rid of the apps at the end of this month; i hope hinge will give me my data before then.
- if $825/mon is what I need to run the NC household, then I at least need a part-time job to make that much; but I can't help but think of the extra $30k I need to live comfortably in Seattle; I'd be more comfortable making at least that much to make the move
- Started actively searching for second jobs
- I think the roommate experience if only for a few months will kickstart my new life; I'm guaranteed to meet a handful of people
- Why am I even in NC? I've known for a while this isn't the place for me; it's where my dreams died; it's where my spirit died; oh yeah, I'm staying because it's where I am going to die.
- I wish I could believe God would take care of me if I chased my dreams, but I know I'll get a poop sandwich. Something devastating will happen, and I'll just have to be thankful that "at least, x,y,z."
- Am I willing to bet my life on an unstable outcome?
- I read another blogger - Tight Fisted Miser- who has had more than his share of ups and downs; unlike many other FIRE/frugal bloggers, his path has not been a linear trajectory
- Can I survive a Seattle winter? 6 months of cold rain?
- I remember thinking when I lived in IL how I never wanted to be cold again; so I moved to these hot states. At the time, I was so sure I wanted to live in Arizona!
- It gets pretty cold here in the winter, but I guess it's not as cold and terrible as it could be.
It would just be easier to be dead instead of all these monumental efforts to make major changes for slightly better outcomes.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.