Today was a biscuit day

 But my meeting ran over, and now breakfast is over. 

Luckily, it also meant I got out too late to go join the Old Ladies walking group. I'd already kind of decided not to, so meh.

It's kind of overcast and I can tell Fall is just around the corner as it's getting harder to get out of bed in the morning when it's nice and cool in my room.

I love some cozy covers. So it's nearing the end of the first week of St. John's Wort supplements.

Have I felt any different.

The overwhelming desire to end my life has definitely lessened. But it kind of already lessened by the time I bought the pills. I still cry. I had a good blubbery cry for about an hour a day or two ago. I still got really mad after a human slighted me.

So I don't know what the metric is.

I would say some semblance of feeling subdued, but I 100% believe this is the placebo effect. I'm still taking the pills.  

Just did a quick Google search to see how to tell if progress made after starting medication. Went with the first hit and modified it a little to fit the most relevant symptoms to me. Then modified the scale to whether those symptoms were 

0 = Absent

1 = Present (but maybe in the background)

2 = Prominent (overwhelming sense of urgeny/ appearance)

I didn't take the test at baseline given I just found it but I would say at my worst, all of these symptoms felt very prominent. 

Now they are either present:

- Sadness

- Discouragement

- Boredom

- Crying

- Lack of interest

- Lack of motivation

- Trouble making decisions

Or Absent

- Wishing to be dead

- Wanting to hurt myself

- Wanting to kill myself

- Worry or anxiety

I might take off wanting to hurt myself, I think to me that's wanting to kill myself. 

I might use this to continue to track sx. It was easy and didn't require much thought. 

On the therapy front, I think I was leaning away from Mean Therapist and when I looked I didn't see a booked appointment for her, but I think hers were a little slow to show-up? Not sure.

But yesterday I also decided, at least on the dating front, why don't I engage a white male therapist. I need help understanding them the most. So I clicked around and landed on a guy who says he can do CBT treatment in about 12 weeks. I'm always one for a firm deadline. 

The relationship issues seem less acute since I'm not actively dating anyone. So I couldn't come up with questions. 

I even started to question CBT but then with my minor freakout yesterday, I guess it's worth a try. 

I might try to get that book a committee member recommended - Getting to I Do. 

One notable thing I will say, I didn't miss anyone. In the past when I've tried to go no-contact with people it was all I thought about. But nothing. 

I also called EAP yesterday after the therapist freakout and spoke to a really upbeat counselor.

I decided I miss the Carefree Katies of my life. So I engaged the office of a Carefree Katie. We shall see how that works out. When the receptionist called to "ask a question about suitability," I will say my heart raced that I was going to be rejected. I recalled a past trauma at a white female doctor's office where I felt quite "othered" to say the least. 

But luckily, that doesn't seem to be the case here.

I hate to say it, but I'm taking a break from black friends. For the last 7-10 years, I've refrained from making white friends because I got tired of being everyone's token black friend. 

But now, I'm tired of the few black girls I talked to. That need for connection based on blackness just isn't as strong. I want a different life.

I was actually feeling so optimistic yesterday, I took a life expectancy test. My life expectancy is age 79. Which is right around the old average life expectancy of Americans of age 80, the one I've always had in mind. 

And this time, it wasn't this big scary thing! 

It still feels daunting, but the reframing actually was welcomed.

Some thoughts

- I could look at it as now having 40 years of tools to get the next 40 years right

- I could just reimagine myself at age 28, instead of 38. What would I do differently? I just feel like our generation has a bit of a lost decade.  Eighteen seems too young, so why not just be 28. 

- What if I just re-adjust the starting line? What exactly do I think I'm too old to start?

- What if I look at the next 40 years as 4 buckets of 10 year or 10 buckets of 4 years?

I used to experience these highs and lows when I was still menstruating. I don't remember them being this low though, or lasting for this long. But I remember these highs. Just the abruptness of it. 

One day I want to kill myself and the next day I'm planning the next 40 years of my life.

Like literally, I'm like...wow, life was really hard, and I made it through 40 years of that! How amazing am I!!!

That's an accomplishment!

Where just a week ago I was like - 40 years of life...that was so hard... I CAN'T DO ANOTHER DAY let alone another 40 YEARS.

Today was the day I was going to die.

What the heck. 

Let's move on.

I think Seattle this Fall...it just doesn't feel as compelling. 

I don't know. 

I think there was a bigger part than I was willing to admit that wanted to chase the romance fantasy. Just by being in Seattle we would magically fall in love and live happily ever after.

Even in my mystical reverie last night, I thought...hmm... I would even consider working 10 more years just to live some semblance of a life.

I considered going to Hawaii or the caribean in January. 

You see the weather cooling off in NC is making a compelling argument to stay put for now. 

January is cold and dark and terrible. Here or in Seattle. 

Hawaii or the carribean would be warm and sunny.

I think I felt pretty good that I didn't really want to leave the US right now (to live long term that is). 

Charms of the soft life. I'm not really in the mood to figure out laws and transportation systems.

I'm really tired of hearing accents. I know it sounds terrible but it reminds me too much of work. There's less mystery there. 

I prioritize comfort. #softlife

I think for me going abroad will be to getaway, not slow travel or to spend long periods of time struggling. More like a break in a routine. But this is all new. Remember, I thought I was not going to be alive after today.

Yesterday I was excited. Today, some reality is setting in. I'm still in physical pain if I work and keyboard all day. Meetings are still terrible. It's taking forever to get good at this job. 

Eventhough I am still spending most of my waking hours laying on the couch, eating chips, and watching TV, it feels well deserved rather than a punishment.

Ok, I'm hungry now.