I hate everything

 I woke up in a grumpy mood then noticed I got paid early. So hard to be mad about that. But because I'm a 'Merican, I'm going to complain anyway.

 

- I hate waking up early.

- I hate meetings.

- I hate emails

I hate people.

I hate my friends.

I hate my family.

I hate my life.

I'm tired of "trying to make it work" in pretty much every aspect of my life.

I hate this house.

I hate this neighborhood.

I hate the guys on the apps.

I hate not knowing what to do next.

I hate the weird advice women have to follow "to get a man." I hate that I have to follow it.

I hate the weird advice I'm getting from that black girl about dating. I hate being told I'm doing shite wrong. Don't pivot the conversation? Don't ask questions? It doesn't guarantee outcomes, but the thing you're doing is wrong. 

I hate feeling like I'm doing shite wrong. But it must be true because I'm not in a relationship. Why do mean girls get guys? 

I think that therapy appointment yesterday reminded me of the black girls that used to accuse me of being a lesbian for speaking out against mistreatment of women. What the heck! What if I were a lesbian. Now I don't know if I even am because I'm so trying hard to prove them wrong. Am I a lesbian?

I don't think so.

But "trying to get a guy" seems like such a stupid endeavor. 

I really hate my friends.

They say be yourself and choose yourself and know your worth.

Yeah I did that, and I ended up alone.

When I say I want someone to prioritize me, I'm told I have a fear of abandonment.

It just feels like every feeling I have is "wrong."

I don't know how to make sense of the world anymore.

I used to be so bright and smart and full of life.

If the Devil is fighting God for my life why doesn't he just end it already. This limbo is torture. Take my life or make it the best one ever.

Whatever this is just isn't working for me anymore.

I'm feeling hateful because my one relative doesn't return my calls but gets petty when I don't return her texts? I decided against emailing her a happy birthday. I already called.

I didn't feel that bad not wishing my other relative a happy birthday earlier this year. I thought it would linger, but it didn't really. This won't either.

How do you restart your life when it's filled with barbed wire and boobie traps everywhere? 

What do you do when you don't want to feel better, you just want the life you wanted?

But if none of it matters, then what am I stressing over?

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I hate everything!