I can't make a decision either way. I'm glad I put the suitcase away because the default position is to do nothing which is likely.
But sometimes I want to be impulsive. I just want to get away. I just want to stay. I just want my life to make sense.
I had my intake session yesterday with Therapist #1. So many questions. She asked what my goals were. I said to figure out my life and dating rules. We'll see how that goes.
Somehow when she said she was in the same boat dating wise, I lost a bit of confidence in her ability to help me.
I have few outstanding emails that my committee members haven't responded to. That is so annoying!
Somehow I feel just as unsettled as I did in my studio. Moving here helped get me to FIRE so I don't think it was the wrong choice.
But there's still this desire to pack up and start over somewhere new. I remember when I was in the studio, I was stuck on Missoula, MT. I just knew I'd be happy there.
Now it's Seattle.
Well the theme is 'not here,' so that's something.
There's just so many ways to interpret a situation. Is this my after-Duke life, where I felt so cheated. Am I supposed to be making the best out of this situation. Is there something here for me that I'm not seeing?
If I look at my 3 pillars
- physical
- emotional
- financial
Where I live make sense financially.
I don't know what physical is in terms of housing and neighborhood in this instance.
I know I like being able to go to the store in rags with unkempt hair and not think twice. I know I like not being the only person of color at the doctor's office or any other business or even a random softball team I join.
But emotionally, I don't seem to connect to anyone here. But remember I came here to die. So the goal was to get to FIRE come hell or high water. Well there was definitely quite a bit of standing water and it sure feels like hell most days and I did get to FIRE.
So what's my next move?
Let's try that Frugalwoods exercise mixed with an exercise from a committee member about what I think my relationship would look like.
Best part of current lifestyle/routine?
Achieving leanFIRE. Working from home. No responsibilities.
Worst part?
No social life. No strong connections with family or friends. No "ride-or die." No sense of community. No relationship.
Where I want to be in 10 years:
Finances: If I'm still working, at least have 1 million dollars in investments so I could FIRE at any time on a $40k budget. If I'm still working, a job as easy as what I have now that I can do without stress.
If I've stopped working, my investments have made it to 1 million dollars (at least), thereby increasing my spend from $20k/yr to $40k/yr
Lifestyle:
I want friends. I want a life partner. I want a nice church family. I want adventure. I want a life re-do.
Career:
I'm fine with my career. If I've achieved a million dollars, maybe I've stopped working or working remotely enough to fund my carefree lifestyle. If my schedule is as flexible as it is now, I could consider continuing to work if it's funding a life I want.
Bonus: What do I want my relationship to look like?
I want to be with a partner who is kind, nurturing, dependable, emotionally safe, physically safe, and financially safe. From what I've seen so far from matches. I do like a more assertive guy. I want to feel cared for every moment and considered in every decision. I like a man who is willing to do more of the cooking and cleaning. I want a man who enjoys my company and feels his life is for the better having met me. I want a man who values my opinion, thinks I'm funny, considers my beliefs and thinks enough of me that he considers me in the choices that affect both of us - work, family, social, travel, etc.
It would be nice if he were Christian, but not necessary.
What would a day be like (it's hard not to base it off the most recent match but here goes). Wake up in his arms. Have some snuggles. Exchange sweet words. He gets ready for work and I make him his coffee just the way he likes it. (On days when we both work from home, he makes us breakfast and we eat outside most days). We sit for a few minutes and go over what we'll do for the day. We talk briefly about any lingering concerns. He asks for my advice on something, and he listens to what I say. He hugs and kisses me goodbye and leaves for the day.
Something during the day reminds him of me and he shoots me a text or pic. Near the end of the day, he confirms what we're doing for dinner. If he needs to get something from the grocery, he'll pick it up after checking with me to make sure it's not there.
I still work from home with a light workload. I make the bed, do some light tidying. Cleanup any breakfast dishes. I might do a task or two that benefits both of us - like bank bonus churning or looking up something about a trip we are planning.
After my work day ends late morning/early afternoon, I exercise, socialize, engage with my community in some way/ catch-up with friends/ work on a personal project.
At the end of his workday, hubs comes home and we have some light snuggling. He begins making dinner. Has quick shower. More snuggles. Dinner is ready. We eat and discuss our day. Sometimes we discuss tough issues. Sometimes we have dinner with friends. Sometimes we have fun.
If it's a typical day we wind down. He either works out or catches up on some work. We clean up together after dinner. If it's nice out, we go for a walk around the neighborhood.
We do our bed time routine. Get ready for bed. We have some more intimate snuggles and I fall asleep enveloped in his arms.
Wake up and do it all over again.
So moving on from that lovely reverie.
Hmm...looks like I've been on the hunt for awhile, see these posts:
I'm so much clearer minded in the chart and that was 4 years ago (July 2018). I feel mostly the same way. Because i couldn't figure out how to conjure the feelings, I just went with something measurable like finance. That worked out. And honestly I think even when I decided to move here, I thought it would be until I turned 42 so I would have like 6 years to decide while I reached FIRE.
So maybe I look at this as a gift. I get 4 more years of my life back. Maybe this gratitude thing might work after all? What if I choose to believe God has my back? Ha, let's not chase waterfalls.
I will say some themes that are still mostly true are: feelings on weather, tribe potential/ diversity/community, commuting (for work or recreation), and in one way or another potential for adventure (captured as access to nature or community events or airports)
The old girl hasn't changed that much. I wonder why I never pulled the trigger. Maybe later today I can use the chart to compare my current town and Seattle.
Honestly, following A Purple Life's strategies have worked out for me financially, so maybe she's the life guide I needed. Just kidding!
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