A committee member sent me an email reminding me of the story of Job - mostly about his silly friends. But the bigger story of Job for me is that God blessed him free and clear for 100 years first. Before testing him.
What do you do when you never get to know the free and clear blessings - when your blessings only come after the struggle.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I don't know what else to say.
It's hurtful to see old blog posts from 4 years ago crying for the same outcome. Wishing for the same dreams only to be worse for the wear.
I know my life is ending soon and even that does not bring me solace.
I still feel some need to wait, to suss out something, to feel something. I'm still wishing and hoping and praying for something to have made it all worth it.
I don't know if I go to Seattle in spite or stay in NC in spite.
I don't know when it's okay to stop trying and what that looks like.
A part of me is tired of waiting and hoping.
A part of me is saying do the sensible thing and wait just 1 more year to figure it out. So you can see it from a distance. But is this wishing for a magical candy outcome.
I'm hurt today that:
- a couple committee members didn't email me back
- my newest committee member is moving on quickly with her life to new exciting things and after chasing boys with me has left me in the dust
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