There was a commercial one time that spanned centuries back and showed how the older generation had done so much to get the granddaughter the choices and life she has to today. When you think about it like that, life truly is beautiful.
Unfortunately for me, I don't think of it like that. My constant question since I could question God, is what is the purpose of the struggle. But I didn't come on here to lament once again.
I wanted to write a letter to my grand daughter.
Dear Granddaughter,
I hope the life you live is beautiful and full of wonder. I hope you know early on in life what it's like to love and be truly loved and accepted. I hope you know what it's like for the world to instinctively value and desire you. That you don't have to prove your worth or constantly claim it from others. I hope you never have to question why you were born or why anyone would want to live this life. I hope it just works out for you. May you never know a minute of struggle or unhappiness. May your life truly be filled with wonder that 100 years would never be enough.
--
But this is why I got rid of my uterus. I could wish this all I want, it won't happen.
I've been getting this recurring feeling that my life partner is coming Sep 2023. The last few days I've been clicking around to make a return trip to Seattle for Sep and Oct. I'm calling it a retreat because one of the cool places I found is near a lake and I would make a point to do a daily walk around a lake. But my background plan of course is to chase boys.
I want to get dressed up and wear my fall boots and go on some dates and meet some people. I am kind of falling in love with the idea of being a SummerBird - where I go to cooler states in the summer. I at least hope to keep working one more summer, so with my very lean budget, I could probably only afford to go 1 summer. (But if I think about it, maybe even on Lean Budget, I could find an international locale for cheaper than Seattle? TBD).
Why did I say all that? Because right now, I'm juggling 3 lives. My regular life where no one really knows I'm planning to early retire sooner rather than later. My death life, where I feel like I could die anytime between 30 minutes from now and ...age 45 was it? And I guess the life where I don't die and try to make it to age 60.
Honestly, typing out the third life... I couldn't even remember it. It's so far from reality. I've already forgotten that life.
It's mostly at this point deciding if I die anytime between now and age 45.
But if somehow I make it to next fall and do find a love and live happily ever after, then I'm challenging God that I live till age 80- happily and healthily. That's the deal. Let me go, or let me live a happy, full, joyous live filled with love.
In just the way I don't want to travel alone or do much of anything else alone anymore, I'm not living till 60 alone. There was once a time where I thought living like the Golden Girls seemed to be the right fit. But I'm over this consolation life and those women did live full lives and just wanted to ease into death with people they cared about.
I want the love first. I've already done enough alone.
So yeah, since I have no reason to believe Love is coming, or I should say, Love isn't here. I won't project into the future. I can only live with the facts available to me know. I'm not a diviner. And for the most part my Gift of Discernment is broken. It's blurred by my sadness.
This is actually coming to me live as I type this.
I think until I have a reason to believe otherwise, I have to operate as though my life could end anytime between now and age 45.
Luckily if the whispers are true, I'll know for sure next Fall. Which actually is good timing for FIRE/money wise, just a horrendous wait if it's true, pure, perfect Love.
Now that I have some framework, a weight has been lifted a bit.
Default - normal life. For decision making, compare against the Shortened Time line of death by age 45.
So yeah, maybe I'll go to Seattle in the fall for a little self-made retreat. I'll find some objectives and run the money down a bit.
I get to live in a fantasy a little longer. It'll certainly help pass the time.
Oh the other thing I learned! I think it should help me with my 'do you want to be my boyfriend' quest. I do have a gift of discernment in that I can figure out pretty quickly if someone would be compatible with me. And like FIRE, I have to let people get there in their own time. It's not an affront to me or a lessening of my fabulousness if they don't get there right away. Like FIRE made sense to me before I could finish reading the first blog post. And just because everyone I talked to doesn't get it, doesn't make it any less of a desirable thing. So that's how FIRE can help change my mind about dating.
And on one of my true crime shows, a clinician said it can take like 6 to 8 months to really get to know a person! Wow, so minimum, I should not expect anything from the average man until like 6 months. I like numbers, I like guidelines, I like rules, I like data, I like science. So hopefully this can help me in any future love quests. One way to remember is that people like to think it's like 9 months to create a baby (when really it's like 10 months). So I can remember like 9 months is probably a good time to wait for a good relationship.
And even if it hurts, it's okay for them to terminate the relationship. Like our bodies, we don't want to carry to term babies that are defective in some way. That's even harder and sadder. I know a lot of women are sad about pre-term miscarriages but your body was designed to reject creations that are incompatible with life. That's how God designed it.
I just have to remember that. It's hard and hurtful just like the women who are devastated over miscarriages. Not everyone is.
I just have to look at relationships that terminate before 9 months as divinely-designed miscarriages. I can do that. It's the right mix of science and religion and guidelines! My favorite.
To let the rambling continue, I think as much as I can, I will try to frontload my 401k again next year. It'll be dark and cold and wintery. But with the plan of having more spending freedom in summer. I think that will break up the monotony.
Just some initial thoughts. And if iBonds are at least 5%, I think I'll go ahead and get more with my FIRE Year 1-2 Cash Stash.
So I'm actually excited now to possibly return to Seattle for the Fall. I can do a Fall Retreat.
This is my Retirement House. I just got to finish living my life.
Tentative Plan for Fall Retreat (don't over think it):
- Walk the lake daily if possible, but at least 3x/week
- Try to do one social activity and meet people
- Introduce yourself to people in the building
- Go on 1 date a week (down from 3)
- Consider a part time job (to meet people and fill your day)
- Maybe rent a car if there are activities I want to do that's easier by car
- Cook more (likely using a food delivery service to save time on grocery runs, etc...and take the decision making out)
- Just live out a fantasy
Leave the future to the future. I'm not booking anything before August 15th or 2 weeks before Oct 1, whichever makes more sense.
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