Seattle Trip - still not going?

 I actually got excited a little bit yesterday. The boy showed up on Hinge for me... finally! I think he had been filtering out oldies like me. Notably, his age didn't change and I'm pretty sure he had a birthday. So he lies as well? Still want him.

Here's where I am in the decision making process.

The initial drive to go back to Seattle in the Fall was to escape my life. I was in dire straits and wanted to be dead. I was also feeling rejected and secretly hoped I would magically fall in love (ideally with the boy or with someone new). I framed it in my mind as a rejuvenation trip. There's a lot of messaging to get out and meet people and make friends. That all sounds good to me.

I also thought I would be dead anywhere between 30 minutes and the next 8 years, so there was that. 

I was going to put dating on the back burner and just try to make friends, and maybe if I made friends I would feel more compelled to move. Moving to Seattle would be less scary whether I did it this year or next.

But I knew enough to wait on the decision. So I'm glad I did. I said wait 2 weeks before your anticipated travel date. Even outside of acute distress, I tend to flake on trips and activities. Somehow I start feeling overwhelmed and talk myself down. 

So while at the beginning of August I was SO SURE this was the trip I needed, this was the answer to all my problems - I could make new friends, get out of the house, get some fun in before hunkering down for a cold winter and a new project at work. 

Now, I feel less compelled.

You see, I think there was an unspoken part of me that still thought the sheer fact of my being there would mean I would fall in love and live happily ever after. Somehow, we'd reconnect - namely I'd rech out and it would all work out. I kept seeing his name circling around me; I kept hearing Seattle circling around me. These are signs right? 

But then just 2 days ago (Sunday), I decided to stop believing in signs (other than warning/danger signs). I don't need a sign for going to Seattle. I need the boy I'm interested in to re-connect with me. At this point, I'll take just a simple match on any one of the 3 apps I'm on. 

Let's stay in reality.

Also, when I looked at my pillars - financial, physical, emotional.

The biggest risk is to my emotional health. And that is what is on the line here. 

I finally am at a place where I'm not ACTIVELY wishing to die. That's huge.

I'm subdued.

My fear is going there and feeling defeated and spiraling again.

I don't want to risk that.

The only caveat is perhaps if I go and spend 1.5 to 2 months there...perhaps that will be enough distraction and activity to carry me through Nov and Dec. That would be the one boon.

But right now, when there is a known and an unknown when it comes to emotional stability, I choose the known.

With hope, I am going to give myself permission to go at any time I start to feel in distress between now and the end of October. 

I know how to buy a ticket; I have a small credit voucher; I know 2 companies I can get a short term rental from; I've looked through some Meetup groups that can help buoy my spirit and give me things to do. So if I need to go, I'll go.

As for moving next year, my current aim is to stay put for the first quarter and meet savings goals (e.g. max my 401k). I at least would consider going for the summer, just for the heat reprieve. But 6 or 9 months is also up for consideration.

But I'm not going to dwell too much on that. I mean at this point, it's been 8 months of hemming and hawing. I'd like to enjoy the rest of the year, thank you very much! 

Summarily, I'm putting the Fall Seattle trip on the back burner and out of mind. It will be locked behind an In Case of Emergency glass casing, so to speak. 

Today I have a therapy session and an interview with a Seattle company.

I'm a bit petrified that Magical Destiny wants me to be in Seattle and I've been asking for a compelling reason, and this compelling reason might be this really hard in person job.

But I have to remind myself there's no Magical Destiny, Secret Love or Signs. But it's such a tough mentality to break. Because what else is there to believe in - just myself and my own actions? Whoa!