I can't say I'm not hurt, but...

 Right now the churning in my stomach makes me want to vomit, but I have to get over it. What choice do I have?

I was actually okay until I checked my phone. I prayed that if he is going to respond, he does so before I change my number (for the umpteenth time). I wish I could say there wasn't a part of me that doesn't want to just ask, are you there? 

But after an unanswered call and now an unanswered text, there's not much else to say. I wish I were stronger and could handle it, but I'm not.

I talked to one of my committee members last night and it's all a blur at this moment but if we were to reframe the situation - we could consider me a trailblazer.

Think about all the women who suffered and died and fought so I could have the freedom to live a solo-life and be financially free. I am living their dream. 

It felt good yesterday, but less so today.

So basically it makes sense that there are no trails for me to follow. I am living a life that no one I know personally has lived. I am financially free; I have no real close family or friends; no partners and no child. 

How many people do you know can say that?

So it makes sense that I'm alone. It makes sense that I feel directionless. This is generally unattainable and often times because of that decidedly undesirable.

So I don't know what to do next because this is unchartered territory. There are no guideposts. It's a wonderland.

Unfortunately, when you buck trends, you're left to figure out the rest on your own. Sigh.

I still dream of having a partner and experiencing the next 2 decades on soft-mode. I want some adventure, some love, some companionship.

I just don't know how to get there living this unconventional life.

I've unpacked my bags so I've lost a bit of momentum there.

My heart is weakened from a year on-and-off of dating apps so I've lost the momentum there.

I'm tired. Where's the fun part?