Setting Boundaries with God

 That was what we talked about a bit in today's therapy session. I don't think I know what the point of therapy is anymore. I get confused.

I'm again amazed at Feelings. Like a week or 10 days ago, I really thought the only solution was to die. Like, I actively wanted to die and do the thing that would lead to that result.

My circumstances are exactly the same. I'm the same person, living the same dumb life, with the same things that happened to me - all the hurt, all the pain. But suddenly I don't feel as compelled to do the overt act to end my life. 

Which to be clear is not the same as happy or loving life.

It's just weird that Feelings came be so compelling. It feels Real. Whatever I'm thinking and feeling feels Real. 

I felt like I NEEDed to DIE.

What kind of messed up nonsense is that!

So it's Day 2 since giving up on Signs and Destiny.

A weight has been lifted.

I do feel that the next feeling is untethered-ness because I think I did this before out of spite but quickly came crawling back.

Anyway, I digress.

The point is I've been putting all this pressure on myself to make this right decision; don't make the mistakes I must have made to land in this predicament; be whatever it is God needs me to be; look for signs and clues to make this Right Choice.

But no, You don't get to treat me like that.

When I look at a Stop SIGN, I'm not confused on what to do.

If I'm "supposed" to be in Seattle and fall in love and live happily ever after, then let the boy ask me to come. Let him make me happy (not sad and anxious and confused). Let him fall in love with me.

I've been here this whole time. So, God, whatever you want to happen, make it happen. You are the most powerful. Make your case. State your position and make it compelling. If you can one day make me feel like I NEED to DIE and then the very next day act like it never happened, then you can definitely make me find myself in Seattle in the arms of a loved one.

For now, I'm done with this. 

If you want to be with me, God, be with me. If you want to love me, Love me. Don't make me chase you, or beg you or cry for you. I'm here (on this earth) because you made me be here. If you don't want me here, do something about it. If you want me to be happy, do something about it.