Difficulty imagining

 I was linked to a TedTalk from reading some blog in the giant blogosphere. It kind of speaks to where I'm at. On a logistics side, I'm glad the time frame they used was 10 years because that's what I generally have defaulted too.

It seems like my life has been divided into these nice decade long chunks were there were some thematic elements that defined that decade. 

And where I am now is trying to define the next decade. I have so much data, it's hard to parse through. I find myself struggling to make "the best" choice and am making no choice. I find myself struggling to figure out where faith fits into all of this. I think that's really the stickler. Right now, the easiest choice is letting go of any thought of divination.  That's been holding me back.

Trying to figure out "what God wants." If He wants it bad enough, He can find me. He's shown time and time again he knows how to rip my entire world apart. So maybe instead of waiting in the shadows for the next gnashing of teeth, I live in the light? I don't know. 

It's hard to know when accepting the inevitability of suffering whether to stay low or go high. 

This is already going off in many tangents. I think this Sunday's musings just were getting to the point where I am letting go of trying to find my path on this pre-destined life. Not too long ago, I was lamenting about "missing my destiny." That's the messaging in Christianity - that these things all happen for a reason (non-biblical actually); and for someone like me, I've distorted it to think that when things go wrong that I did something wrong. I missed a path somewhere because who would let someone they love endure such suffering. I must have lost my way somewhere.

That's holding me back because I'm looking for clues, signs, meaning in everything. It's exhausting and it's unproductive. 

Nothing in my life has made sense. There was a time when I tried to make sense of it all. I just really wanted to believe in The Reason. But I don't remember much what I came up with. I think for the most part the best I could come up with was my life was diverted to help other people. 

What a terrible cycle. We're all just stuck in this cycle of synthetic happiness trying to help people out of the well so that we as Christians just never get very far. 

So I'm sticking with 10 years. I have 4 decades left. I'm not even thinking that far anymore.

I kept seeing the boy's name everywhere to the point that yesterday I finally cried out, Yes, Lord, I'll go to Seattle. Yes, I believe he's The One and we will fall in love and live happily ever after.

Then today, I'm like that makes no sense. We only seek out signs for things that we're not certain about and we just make them fit. At least I do. 

Whether signs exist or not, I don't want to have to rely on them. If I have a compelling reason to be in Seattle, I'll be in Seattle. If a human man wants to be with me, he just needs to ask me out. If signs existed, I've put out all my signs and sign catchers "into the universe." I want to move away from that phrase as well. 

I keep mixing belief systems and that's what's confusing. 

Anyway the TedTalk(s)...because I might be mixing up a few... basically had to do with your future self and happiness. My takeaway was that we have such ease of remembering things we favored either presently or in the last 10 years that it makes it difficult to imagine another set of circumstance that we might also favor. Because of this difficulty of imagining, we see it as improbable. Which is false.

We underestimate how much we will change in 10 years and overestimate the stability of our current preference. 

This is certainly true for me in this moment. 

But I think it's true because there has been so much turmoil and upheaval that our preferences have to change. 

How can I be happy doing x when doing x didn't work out. So I have to come up with a new educated guess of things that might make me happy.

I don't think it's necessarily true. I think some people live really stable predictable lives and it's very possible that their last 10 years will look very similar to the next 10 years. 

The study is trying to say the opposite which I don't think is necessarily true. Having grown up in a rural area, most people in that area live the exact same lives as their parents. And knowing not much else, are perfectly happy to continue that trend.

It is us with the reversible choices that suffer the distress of making "the wrong choice" which is the enemy of synthetic happiness.

That was another talk, I think. Natural happiness - getting everything you want. Synthetic happiness - synthesizing happiness with the circumstance you've been given.

This is where I think I got lost the last couple of years. Having to synthesize this happiness and not really wanting to. I want natural happiness. I want the experience of getting what I want and it feeling the way I want it to feel. 

I've been calling it second place life, but this speaker called it synthetic happiness. 

Again though, I never synthesized it to happiness. I just refused to round up. I don't want a veggie burger, I want a cheeseburger. I don't want to be happy that 'at least I got a burger' or 'at least I got food.' I just want a cheeseburger. 

Anyway, what's the point of all this?

If I were looking at signs, sure I can find lots of things that seemed to be telling me to go to Seattle

- Hello Landing had a great place by Green Lake

- Then I got a $250 off offer

- Then I see the last Boy's name literally everyday or in strange places 

- Random articles I read on the internet mention Seattle

- I keep hearing a voice tell me he's the one (but remember I also had a recurring though that I would find The One next Fall)

- the random time he mentioned his good friend that he admired shared a name with Aunty MERJ

- my committee member randomly sending me an instagram post that she felt could be a sign I should move to Seattle for a couple months

But yeah, there was the song I thought was my Aunty MERJ's song during a gruesome training week at my old role that I thought meant I should stick it out. It didn't. I left for a job that pays me more and that old job continues to take a lot of twists and turns.  I thought a text from that boy meant there was a future with us along with hearing Aunty MERJ's name come out of his mouth. Then he said he didn't want to be with me. So there's that for signs.

Remember the Iranian whose text messaging gave me hope that we'd have a fun summer together. Then he ghosted me for 2 months. I did have a fun summer but not with him.

There was the therapist who I thought I'd have 8 sessions with that would last me through the initial 6 weeks in Seattle and I'd come back cured. She quit me. 

I think today, I was committing to not looking for signs. I'm looking for clear and concise words and actions. Make it make sense. 

I'll always try to be atuned to reasonable warning signs and danger, but magical signs for a pre-destined life... those days are over. 

Remember when I thought I was meant to go to Duke. And even tried it a second time. Literally nothing good came out of the 2 times I tried to go to Duke. 

I ended up in NC chasing a dumb dream. I'm alone, but I do have stacks of cash, so it wasn't all bad (see: synthesized happiness). But it's definitely not a fairy tale (because on most days it feels like it was ALL bad). 

So if I go to Seattle again, it'll be deliberately. Because it makes sense or because I just want to go. Right now, packing, chasing boys, making new friends, getting my hair done, worrying about my house, just doesn't sound like that much fun for no real reason.

I was in distress the first time I went.

I wanted to kiss some more boys the second time I went.

It's been about a month, and I'm finally starting to get off the crazy boy train, I'm not feeling especially moved to get back on that crazy train. 

Plus fall is the best time to be in NC.

Plus I can't believe in signs anymore. Signs point to a pre-destined life. And if it's pre-destined, do I really need signs?

And if I don't believe in signs, then there's not really a compelling reason for me to go Seattle in September right now. I just don't want to.

There's a lot of cool activities and meetups that I could do, but will I? I'm just not up for emotional upheaval right now.