Last Saturday on earth

 I just had this intense moment of wanting to end it all. I cried and I prayed.

It's just the same thing over and over.

I'm tired of this.

I can't take this pain anymore.

I'm tired of feeling like my life doesn't make sense.

It was never about the money (I mean it was, but..).

What am I not seeing that other people are?

That accused of being a lesbian thing still percolates. I feel like that. I was calling out bad behavior of men and black girls "accused" me of being a lesbian. That makes sense.

This feels like that.

I look around and life doesn't make sense. Women are still treated terribly but all the self-help books are geared towards us. 

I think life is stupid. I think women should stop having kids with terrible men. We would all be a little less broken. But somehow that makes me the weird one.

Everytime I watch a true crime show, I always think... your mom should have aborted you.

I do. I do.

Can you imagine if there were more selective abortions instead of thinking we can breathe or pray or thank the evil away. 

I used to think one of my committee members is living the life I would've had if only...

If only what?

I don't even feel relief thinking that today IS my last Saturday because really, if I were serious, today could just be my last day period.

I don't need a countdown. 

I could just end it. 

I'm always only 30 minutes away from my last minute on earth.

It doesn't even scare me anymore.

It doesn't thrill me or bring me the solace I'd hoped for.

But the data doesn't support that there're any more reasons to live.

If I had started my countdown at 17, I'd have 20 good years of data that shows this was not worth it.

Even FIRE makes me feel locked down. FIRE only works if I stay in this house and in this place doing the same 10 things.

That's not freedom.

The alternative is working and I'm right back where I started.

I started to plan the next 20 years. I tried to look at is as..well now you have all the data of what works and what doesn't work.

You have enough "startup" money and you went through the training.

Now design your life.

It didn't bring me joy.

I had no more plans.

I found no inspiration.

I think I'll do IT Friday between 3 and 5p.

Remember in The Green Mile when they ask the death row inmates what their last meal will be.

Maybe mine will be a cheeseburger and milkshake and maybe the violent diarrhea will kill me. 

So maybe I do IT as soon as I take that last bite.. probably the first bite because it's unlikely I'd be able to sit through a cheeseburger and a milkshake without pooping my pants. 

But if I do IT, then I don't even have to feel that pain. Sounds like a win.

Last cry out to you, God. If there's anything you need to tell me... If there's anything left on this earth for me, please tell me. For you know better than me, that I'm not long for this world.