Feeling a little down. No surprises there. I feel ambivalent about life. This dating thing has really got me down. I'm back on the Seattle train but more realistically thinking I might go for Sept-Oct. A couple of reasons.
One, it will give me time to see if I can washout some of these feelings - hopelessness, strong desire for partnership, strong desire not to live a life without a partner, strong desire not to live. Two, there is some drafting I need to do for work for my current project. I prefer my office setup in case I need to toggle between multiple screens. Once I get a better feel of the workload, I'll be in a better place to decide if it's something I can do from just my laptop.
Right now the appeal of going away in Sep-Oct is less about dating. Dating is still in the back of my mind. But one salient feature is I can blow some money. If death is any day now, there is some satisfaction that I'm spending all this money. While I don't want to make it the primary objective, it is a good default objective for when I'm crying alone in Seattle. At least that's 1 less dollar saved; 1 less dollar left for someone that doesn't deserve it.
It's hard to figure out a place for logic when you make emotions based decisions. If I am going to "off myself" as one committee member put it, does it even matter if I blow this money or not? I don't know what I want to get out of my last days on Earth.
I think going to Seattle means I'm still hoping for hope. And I am. That's the truth, I think. I want a reason to live. That's all I've been asking for.
When I romanticize life with a partner - it's a reason to get up in the morning. To eat better. Shower, get in shape, dress pretty. Feel feminine. Feel anything. It sounds wrong somehow to want to do this solely for a guy. But no one would question it for a child would they? But isn't that why people quit smoking or stay working, or stay married, or stay alive. For the people they love? Because people are counting on them?
Why can't my purpose be to love someone else? I already did the things I wanted to do for me. Now I want to do that for someone else. Is that really that wrong?
It is certainly dangerous because if that person leaves me, I'm right back where I started.
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