Monday Update

 So I did my 2 big work tasks for the day. I have quite a few menial but time consuming tasks to get done by Thursday. I hope to get them done tomorrow and then spend Wed and Thursday authoring and editing. Groan.

I tried looking up some copy editing jobs since I had the great idea to try to make that a side thing. Then my stomach did flip flops. 

I actually don't love editing. 

Luckily there weren't too many openings that made sense.

Applied to a few more Med Info jobs - I love to self-injure, we know that to be true.

Although I sink in and out of the depths of despair with the last boy, I still got Seattle on my mind.

If I can secure a second job, I'll at least have the funds to make the trip/move make sense.

Blueground is having some really good deals on rentals right now that is making me say Flock It, just go anyway.

My objectives for the trip are changing.

From chasing boys > urban wellness retreat > to who knows!

Part of me just wants to pack up some random stuff and just mosey on out of here. I don't have a sustainable hair style though, but why bother!

If I'm just going aimlessly, I don't need cute outfits.

I'm tired of thinking about it.

There was a thought of just slowing down and letting go of boys and dreams and objectives and just trying to savor the next four months. So of course, the next thing I do is apply to a bunch of jobs.

One already messaged me. I thought it was kind of a long shot and it was one of those 'evergreen' positions that they always have an open req for in case people quit. But the recruiter already contacted me...via text.

So I know I can't take it too seriously. The initial concern is that it's 'hybrid' so not fully remote. But we shall see. 

It's weird to reflect back on the last decade and realize I'm just older. I don't have any friends. My important family died. 

I came here to get this degree and move on. But I didn't move on. I TRIED! I didn't move on, but not for lack of trying.

Given that there's no destiny, thus no "right choice," I feel both free and paralyzed at the same time.

That's why I just want to get out of my head and go.

Even if it's just laying on the couch all day. 

It felt really good for one of the jobs to contact me already! I'm trying to just submit and forget it, but we know ye old brain.

I guess it's hard to break out of the mindset of my version of extreme frugality. Am I not giving myself enough time to adjust?

I'm ready for a change, I guess that part is true. That's consistent.

What else is true.

(Oh the thing I was thinking about early this morning and a bit over the weekend. I tended to go for extremes. In the dead of winter in rural Illionis, I wanted to live in Arizona. I wanted to feel the opposite...when really, I just wanted a milder winter.) 

So I think if I can just find what exactly I'm looking for in between my extremes, that can help.

Seattle

- I liked walking everywhere

    - but more for the exercise and less as preferred mode of travel

    - more because I felt freer and less caged in and less as a preferred mode of travel

- I liked being around eateries

- I liked proximity to the waterfront and water view (but it was cold and the weather was unpredictable)

- I liked where I lived downtown - because it was close to a Target and Asian food store where I could get grocery staples and a few quick hot bites (not particularly tasty, but got the job done). But I also got a dress from Target and some other miscellany

   - I like it for the not pre-planned single girl in me

   - I like it for the life I'm living currently (#0FlocksGiven)

That's all for now.