My life is in my hands

 How many times have I cried out to God over things I couldn't control, or cried out to God for a boy to love me back. And how many times has he responded?

He answered on the college fronts, and eventually on the immigration front. And I guess he delivered on the FIRE front...eventually. But it's always at my wit's end. Why? Why when I'm already down. 

I don't care what people say, I've never enjoyed things more having struggled for it. It always makes it seem not worth it. When do I get the charms of the easy life?

So yesterday in a moment of not-this-again, I checked my mailbox and my pistol permit was there.

And just like that, it'll only take about 30 minutes for me to buy a g*n and be done with it all.

My life is in my hands.

Just like that.

Maybe it's the last dream I can make come true. How scary it'll be. I wonder if I'll be calm or nervous. Will I cry? 

Oh but the relief to never feel a thought or feeling or emotion again. No more analysis paralysis. No more nothing. Just the sweet sleep of death. As Shakespeare once said, in that sleep of death, what dreams may come.

The only thing I would regret is if I get to heaven and realize I was just 1 day away from having the life I wanted. But it's never one day away is it.

There's no history or data points that shows my life was ever just 1 day away from the life I wanted.

Some weird things happened in July that last night got me thinking, what if I had spent the month in Gaithersburg. Obviously, in hindsight, you only see the highlight reel.

I imagine I would've gone to the company picnic, visited my 2 cousins that had a baby, seen one of my committee members. Probably not cried the whole month. And I would've not been so anxious and run out to see the boy to force his hand and end up alone. I don't think, magically, that my little cousins would have gotten in a car accident either. Somehow they wouldn't have been going where they were going that day.  Maybe I would've hung out with my friend Max and maybe he would've introduced me to someone. 

I certainly wouldn't be holding a pistol permit in my possession.

But also maybe my aunt would've gotten on my nerves and I would've wanted to flee. Maybe I would've been overcome with negative feelings about my cousin and their new baby. Maybe I would have lamented more that my life still isn't going to plan. 

But I have all these rules that are supposed to protect me. 

There is still COVID. Maybe I would've gotten COVID.

Who knows anymore. 

But I also wouldn't have seen my old college roommate. But honestly what was the value in that.