Symptom score: 10 (0 is free, 10 is baseline, 20 is despair)
Yesterday was an 8. So I feel 20% worse? Probably 25%.
Believing in signs is funny.
Funny how in the last couple of days there have been no mention of that boy's name or Seattle except for places I looked up.
The world.
Funny how I no longer feel this assurance that I'll meet someone next Fall.
So what was that about? Did my choices change future outcomes?
Hinge still hasn't emailed me about my data download.
Yesterday evening I was so sure I needed to run away to Seattle again. I can't get Mean Therapist's words out of my head - you're running away.
Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing. Is that so wrong?
At this point, the key things I want to accomplish from this trip:
- Not be here
- Not be here for the long (Labor Day) weekend
- Not be here for October where I may have a light workload
How will I know my life is worth living? My symptom tracker is at 0 for the rest of my life.
Some other thoughts:
Blueground's sales were tempting me but in a moment of lucidity, I actually calculated total cost, and even when I took out the refundable deposit, Hello Landing was a few dollars cheaper! Well actually, at first it was a few dollars more (but not the hundreds of dollars more it seemed), but when I adjusted my dates, Hello Landing was cheaper.
Blueground does just have the most beautiful apartments.
I decided to refocus my energy on Green Lake.
I liked living downtown and being close to previous haunts, but I also had been dreaming of lake life.
It doesn't help that I have a ton of work to do today. Maybe if I can put a dent in it, I'll feel better.
Oh, I got a message from a colleague today that one of the softball teams was looking for someone. Was that a sign to stay?
Ha! That's when I can brush it off and say, I don't believe in signs. I almost want to book my ticket and buy my lodging to spite this devilish twist.
It's not a sign, it's just a new data point. It might just be an outlier. It's softball season. People are looking for players. It has nothing to do with me and my life.
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