Is this a temperance exercise

 Yesterday was dark. I think if I had means, I probably would have made an attempt. I randomly picked out a handful of providers from the site Therapy for Black Girls to follow-up with this morning.

I called them all and none answered. Yay, this is going well.

I also downloaded a list from my insurance provider last night. Maybe I'll call them too.

At this point, I'm thinking is it time for pharmacological intervention? Can I take some anti-anxiety meds prn? 

I should know these things but I've been out of school so long, I don't remember really.

What is my goal here?

In the middle of a romance movie, I downloaded 3 of the dating apps. I got scared and nervous instantly - am I setting myself up for another Feelings Storm.

This morning I feel okay about it.

I'm trying to keep my location local. 

There are so many things to consider right now, I just don't know what to do.

I looked again on Blueground for some Seattle apartments. That made me feel better!

I think just hoping for hope. But logically, there's a chance that going there will make me feel worse.

Am I trying to date? Or am I chasing a specific boy?

Ideally, I want to make friends and just get away.

Even with this new 2- month project, it doesn't seem to be enough to hold me here. 

Do I want to leave NC?

I was trying to recall old thoughts about the subject. 

Is it an old dream?

Financially, it just makes the most sense to stay here.

I again had big dreams of reaching out to old friends to stack the deck, but I feel like I already tried that.

I keep going back and doing old things and hoping this time will be different, but what's the alternative?

I thought about maybe going to Florida to visit a relative in August to help break up the monotony.

I watched Uncoupled yesterday and it was good. Light and funny. I like everything I've watched that's created by Darren Star, so once I saw his name as creator that made me more invested in watching it. 

In a way, it would be fun to blow more money so that at least I spent some of it before I die.

I think it's pretty widely accepted that I'll be dead anytime between 60 days from now and Jan 2030. I don't think that's up for debate. That is a fact.

I relooked at The Final Countdown and I actually was just hoping to make it to Dec 2021. So hey, I did that!

Anything else is just...borrowed time? Freebie?

Actually no wait, I was going to keep working until Dec 2021 because that's how long I thought it would take to save $250k but I think even in 2020, the plan was to detach from life around that end of 2029/beginning of Jan 2030 stage.

I think the most passive way to do this is to run my money down. There's no way I am going back to work and there's no one coming to save me, so I'll have to pull the trigger when I run out of money.

I guess this is all coming together after all.

So the objective of going to Seattle doesn't have to be finding love - it could just be to passively...or not so passively...blow money!