Tues, 8/2, 4p

 So I got notification that my permit is already approved and was sent in the mail. I guess I didn't have to wait the 60 days after all. I suppose I'll get it by this Saturday.

I neither feel sad nor glad.

Even that timing isn't working out.

Funny, the thing you need to take a long time, doesn't and the things you want to speed up don't. 

I feel a bit detached.

If the world was all connected in some way, the people would say the Universe is calling my bluff.

I don't feel the same excitement about going to Seattle later this year as I did just yesterday.

The thought of it felt like such a relief. 

If I go through with this, I want to make sure it's a planned day. Not a reaction to something that I'll wonder if I had just waited 3 days or 10 days or 3 months, I would have gotten over. 

I do have a therapy appointment next week.  2 other counselors called me back. If this one feels weird, I'll follow up with the others. Or I guess I could just follow-up with these 2 now. What's stopping me?

It's kind of late in the day though.

It's weird to be scheduling your life and your death at the same time.

Oh what a world we live in!

It's weird to think that any day now could be my last day on earth. I suppose that's always the case but no one really thinks like that.

I thought I would feel something - a rush of things maybe I'd like to see or do. Or happiness that it will all finally be over - like a culminating event. But I don't feel either of those things.

Is this the final act of control in a world where I often feel powerless to control outcomes.  It doesn't feel like that either.

I don't feel powerful.

It feels like I was given a pink slip. Like, I still can't cut it. You don't belong here.