Wed, Aug 31, 2022, Does it even matter?

Symptom tracker: 6 (0= free; 10= baseline; 20 = worst day); yesterday 10 

I had some weird dreams that don't make any sense. #nosigns

It would seem like I'm getting better but I don't feel better. I've also calmed down a bit than even 40 minutes ago.

I hate waking up to an alarm.

I think I got really excited on Monday because a recruiter had contacted me, but I haven't heard from them since.

I even got my hair done yesterday because I wanted to get that out of the way.

Then I got my Hinge data. I waited all those days to get nothing useful. It doesn't tell me what happened to the like I sent out. I don't care about data that I can already see.

Womp, womp.

I'm in a 4 hour meeting that started at 7a EST.

Can you imagine if I were in Seattle right now, it's be 4a. Torture!

I just vacillate between - does it matter? If it doesn't matter, just do it. If it doesn't matter, don't do it. Just die.

The thought of just going away for the 8 weeks while I complete this CBT training also sounds like a good idea. 

(side note: my braids are so tight, I'm a bit miserable)

It's weird that even though I'll send a casual prayer up, I don't even fully believe what I'm saying. Like, if you're there, please help, but if not, I get it.

I thought I was going to have all this energy today to do the tasks to prep to leave this weekend.

I think the recent Hinge data just spun me into some mild rejection spiral. That and the two emails I sent to people from Call Center 2 asking if there were openings went unanswered. Then I remembered a message I sent to someone from old team also went unanswered. Then of course just the silence from recent job apps.

Also, I've been to Seattle 3 times already and haven't made any friends. 

I ended up deleting Hinge yesterday. I only have CMB left. I had all these things I thought I would get done today during this four hour meeting, but I have no motivation.

Then one of my committee members got COVID after attending a conference in a hotel. That takes the October conference I was considering attending with my aunt off the table.

Do I just go to Seattle and cocoon?

What is the thing that will cause me the least amount of distress?

40 minutes later...

I started a load of laundry and home dry-cleaned my down comforter for the winter. Wee! I loaded the dishwasher and spot cleaned some high food areas. Still need to wipe down counters, but that's easy. Once I finish laundry, it's an easy 2 clicks to get the dishwasher started.  Because of my fear of water issues, I prefer not to run the dishwasher and laundry at the same time if I can help it. So I might just run the dishwasher tonight.

Because I sleep and work-from-home in the same clothes, my laundry is very minimal. It's more just sheets and towels.

I'm still plotting as though I'm leaving this weekend, just in case. And really, all I'm doing is tidying up my house, so the effort isn't lost although undesirable.