No, dummy!

 So it's August 15 and undoubtedly the desire to escape to Seattle has remarkably lessened. Definitely for a Sept-Oct visit and a lot for future visits.

I feel a bit crazy actually. Like I'm watching myself live but I'm not really the person doing the living.

Maybe it's stress.

Maybe it's work.

Maybe it's just my mental state.

I did a catch-up with a low-risk friend last night. In one vein, it was a nice conversation. In another it was a bit chaotic with lots of little kid noise. In yet a third, I realized we didn't really talk much about me. I was still the one really grilling her with questions. She's a skinny-white. Has it always been this way? 

Yet, I still thought maybe she and a mutual friend and I could plan annual March week or week-end long trips every year. They are both mothers of 2.

Not my ideal choice for a friend, but here we are.

In some moments of nothing-else-to-think-about, I do try to pass the time of designing my next life. Since we know I'm not doing anything to get out of this "life" situation, what are my options - a slow death in Hospice House or keep "course correcting."

I suspect I will always vacillate between the two until my dying day.

It sucks knowing I'm stuck here - here being among the land of the living.

So I have to grieve yet another life I imagined for myself - the one where I don't have to live at all.

This girl can't win.

If I'm going with these arbitrary time frames of my mind, I've spent 10 years in NC already. I've given it the old college try.

I'm still somehow job-insecure. I don't love it, and I'm definitely not that good at it. The thought of going into an office makes me sick to my stomach, so I guess I have to make it work.

The only things I like about my job are- working from home and long periods of downtime. 

The actual work - if I had to do it 40 hours a week, every week would probably have me looking elsewhere a little more diligently. 

I think the St. John's Wort is having a bit of a placebo effect.

I wanted to cry yesterday at night when I imagine the first dose had worn off, and instead I took a capsule and I'm sure my mind convinced myself I was going to be okay. And I didn't cry.

I'm here for the placebo effect which I imagine won't last long. 

Noo...

In talking to this friend, we touched on student loans a bit. She indicated her payments were around $1500/mon but she puts an extra bit towards it and sends them $2,000/mon. I was in shock. She says she is doing income based repayment. WHY WOULD YOU SEND THEM EXTRA MONEY!!

The whole point is to get the balance wiped off. You're literally just giving them $500/mon that could be put towards retirement.

But I've had a student loan conversation with her at least twice that didn't seem to go well, so I kept my mouth shut. She even recognized that her balance was getting higher. It's like yeah, this isn't actually 'repayment' in the sense that you're going to pay the balance off. It's more like a thanks-for-trying. 

I don't know how they're making that work, plus daycare for 2 kids. I'm not asking. 

--

I just feel out of sorts. I usually don't sleep well on the Sundays going into Mondays because I just lounge around so day and night kind of meld together.

Oh more silly "clues." A committee member sent me a podcast of Nicole Byer. I started clicking around the internet for more stories about her and landed on an NPR story. Wouldn't you know, she was interviewed at Moore Theatre in Seattle - directly across from where I stayed last time I was in Seattle. And the interviewer had a name similar to my last love interest.

Ha! I don't need clues. I need action and a clear path. Does this mean I go in the Fall? Does this mean I go for the long term? Does it mean anything? 

I remember when I either got in or was applying to Duke. I suddenly saw Duke everywhere. It felt like I was "meant" to go there. Turns out, I wasn't. That was the short and long of it. And I think chasing that dream is what kept me wandering around for so long. This feels like that.

Chasing waterfalls is it.

I mean I love the fantasy of it. 

I look back at the last 10 years and see if there's something I missed. Did I overlook anything? Did anything fall into place? Or is it one of those..it takes 10 years to be an overnight success?

On one hand, sure I did do a lot of things I wanted to do - I had a friend group (but I thought it would last and I would fall in love and live happily ever after...that didn't happen); I got to graduate; my classmate helped me get a job; actually 2 classmates helped me get jobs; I got to reach FIRE.

Those things happened but they didn't fall into place. It was a lot of despair and 2nd choices.

I will say, in the happier version of the next 10 years, I see myself moving on from NC. I think I will try to recreate some of the things that led to my successes, but I want them to last. I think I need a lot more patience and HOPE and touchstone with reality.

Nothing happens in 2 days or 2 weeks, it's like 2 years. Apparently it's okay for people not to prioritize friendships and not respond to texts. And it does mean what you think it means, but apparently that's okay. No one really wants to be friends for the long haul. We're all too busy. Everyone wants a surface level friend of convenience. But it means I can be that too. We want a 'clickable' friend. Someone that supports our story. Whatever version of our self we are portraying for the day.  Okay.

Gone are the days of bosom buddies. We are compartmentalized friends. I just have to define my compartments. No one loves forever anymore.

I have a vision of choosing and defining some interests to kickoff this new life. Just as anchors. I've been thinking about bouldering.  Maybe dance / community theatre. And maybe a volunteer activity. Same old, same old. 

I really liked being by the water. So maybe I'll live by a lake next time.