Should I just wait then?

 As hoped for, the desire to get to Seattle is weaning. I keep hearing my brain tell me - make it make sense. I started editing my CV to apply for part time jobs. I just think if I had something either that brought me to Seattle or could supplement the extra cost, it would help ease some of the uncertainty.

But this is starting to sound like a job, when really I just wanted to be a single girl in the city and have some fun. Be spontaneous.

Planning a move to chase boys just doesn't sound like something I want to do right now.

I don't know anymore what to want or what to do.

This girl who just last week was calling me a part of 'her community' is moving overseas this fall. 

Reconnecting with my old friends really hasn't worked out that well. Which maybe...reconnecting with old matches probably won't either.

As suspected, the more time I spend away from Seattle the higher likeliness I won't want to return. I'm already starting to lose momentum.

Meh. I don't know what to want anymore.

My brain is tired.

I feel kind of like how I felt late last year when I decided to do my COVID budget...whoops on second glance, it looks like I kind of came up with that plan in early 2021...like February early. Oh well.

This new found financial freedom has got me going all over the place. I realize so many of my decisions have been financially motivated.

To not have that has opened up my mind to things I perhaps wasn't yet ready for.

This feels like Spain all over again. It was fun to focus on that for awhile, but in the end I couldn't pull the trigger.

As I've said, I've been looking at what other people are doing for ideas, but nothing is really sticking.

I have all this history and rules. But I also have this unprecedented milestone that I reached earlier than I thought. 

I feel pretty confident I want to keep the Retirement House as a home base. Despite all its flaws, it provides some level of physical safety and stability that I just wouldn't have renting.  I'm not ready to give that up just yet.

So maybe this is the discovery phase. 

There was a moment today where I thought of just using now until age 40 as a discovery phase. I really want to have a coming out party with my new name and a new life and a new adventure.

Boy, do I ever get tired of dreaming!

It's funny, now that I don't feel as strongly about dating and partnership and moving, that Fall 2023 timeline of meeting a partner seems less certain.

Oh, Brain, what funny tricks you play. 

And another thought I had was maybe I didn't go wrong pursuing teaching after all? (I mostly think I did.) Who is to say I wouldn't have burned out working retail. Would I have known about Medical Information or call center work? 

Maybe this is the Fall Scaries? I'm stuck in the same place, doing the same thing with nothing much to look forward to. 

I guess I haven't gotten over the need to re-invent myself in the fall season.

I'm done figuring out what to do with my life.

I spend so much time planning and plotting. How do I just be.

So I am hoping to just exist for the next 5 months. No planning or plotting or dying. Just exist and see what happens. Maybe something will reveal itself (doubtful). Maybe I need to reframe a lot of my old ways of thinking. I don't know.

I hate the unknown, so we'll see how long this lasts. (I give it an hour!)