Feeling Rejected...Again

 Well, kids, I'm back again with the same story. Meet a guy...think he's out of my league, he charms me, I fall for him, he pulls away, I come harder.

Same old, same old.

So I went to hang out with the Mormon. I'm trying my best not to let past hang-ups and mostly popular media get in my way, but it seems this is an ongoing struggle.

I messaged him about hanging out ala "Netflix and chill." He thought I meant virtually (which in retrospect: sweet), but I ended up at his house. There was some smooching and heavy petting. But I think it was too fast for him as he wants to wait till marriage because Mormon. 

I didn't want to spook him by how shocked I was, but He's 41! I am shocked. I can say it now - loud and proud. I can't say the thought hadn't crossed my mind but it's definitely unbelievable. 

So yeah, definitely played that one wrong. 

So now Delusional Brain has moved him up to #1 Spot in my boy-crazy-brain. How do you get to be #1- reject me. It's that easy, folks!

Because now I want to revise history and go back to the beginning. 

I just don't how to be patient with dating. It's my fatal flaw. 

Fast forward to 7p. I started this post this morning and somehow it's almost 12 hours later. What did I actually accomplish today. I have no idea. I'm officially $500 away from my FIRE500 goal. Well technically if our 401k contributions didn't take so long to post I'd be at my goal! But it's hard to count that when the market can change in 3 business days. So I'm not counting it until I have hard numbers.

I may just have to do budget updates with myself when the mood strikes. Suddenly the end of month just feels like I have too much on my plate.

I have a lot of bills I need to pay, but I've been putting off until I can see that $500k in the flesh. Take a picture, have a brownie and carry on! Some bills include my now $1500 credit card bill. I said I'd never be in credit card debt again and here we are. Half is from the washer and dryer that I still need to pay, and the other half is from my burgeoning sneaker-resale empire (j/k). 

If I were to optimize this, I think I would've just waited until I had the money for the washer and dryer so I could just transfer the money right away. But once I had to wait for bonuses to payout, I just feel like that money was already spent by the time it hit my bank account. So just a gentle reminder that I need to be careful with these credit card bonuses. It's such a slippery slope back to where I was. 

I was trying to do bank bonuses to pay off the sneaker fees, but I think once I have the money - which will take a few more pay checks- I'll just pay off the balance. Bank bonuses are fun and less stressful when I do them as needed. And I'm not really trying to have this sneaker balance on my mind. 

I just want to get these cards to zero and lock them until I can close them. I tried to do 3 bank bonuses today, and I didn't get very far. 1 said in review; the other I don't appear to be eligible for, and the third said they were having technical difficulties. 

I really don't think the sneaker hustle is for me. It's too much pre-planning and waiting which is definitely not my natural personality. 

So there's the 1.5k credit card bill; I need to get my car serviced; it's more than an oil change and I think I will also need to get new tires. So that will be a big bill.

And I feel like there was something else. 

Needless to say, this looks like it'll be a spendy year.

I've already had to up my monthly allowance twice this year, and it's only March! I do hope I can stay under $30k/year though. 

A lot of these like I said are old expenses that I've been putting off.

Back to dating. I kind of greyed out the Mormon on my spreadsheet. I like him. At least what I know of him. I wrote out this monologue to myself of the things I want to say if I were a really mature adult, but we shall see.

Waiting till Tuesday just keeps sticking out in my mind. I just want to give him some time to think. I think he was conflicted about being with me so I want to make sure he can see a future with me, MERJ, not just me the girl who is giving him attention right now. 

Also Japple responded to my soliloquy. That made my heart ticklish. I think I'll put him on ice too. There's a fat chance he might unmatch me, but I'll be okay.

I think I might add this waiting time to my formula. Just when I start feeling anxious or scared, just take a timeout and realize and appreciate that I'll be okay without these dudes. Like that needs to be built into my experience. Otherwise, I spin out of control when they don't do x,y,or z. 

This will definitely take some practice, and I might have some negative outcomes but overall I think it will be good for my distress tolerance. 

So yeah, I'd like to wait until Tuesday afternoon or evening with the Mormon and anytime Tuesday really with Japple. He's being odd - he asked a seemingly rhetorical question and is asking why I didn't respond.

The other thing I think will help me too is having an accountability partner when I start spinning out of control. I reached out to the girl who most recently got married to an app guy to see if she can help.

I want to hope for the best instead of automatically assuming the worst to protect myself. I want to be able to speak freely about the future with someone I'm dating, even if it's just a first date. I think it can be playful and not be this big no-no.