Back in NC, but Am I going back to Seattle?

 Hi, friend, just wanted to talk some things through. Since you're my most trusted companion, I figured maybe we can hash it out.

The first half of my trip I wanted to go home. Typical.

Then I went on a date Thursday. It was neutral. Felt arranged marriage-y which I'm down for.

Then by Friday I was a bit teary, but I don't think real tears. I remember just screaming in my heart that I wish I could just have this dreamy romantic weekend with Japple. Yep, you heard it. But I looked under every nook and cranny.

I never told you we had a weird interaction where he finally texted me and asked me to send a copy of my DL. It occurred to me on one of my long solo walks that he might have used that to file a restraining order against me. I sent it, but luckily I taped up most everything. He technically could probably piece things together.

So yes, hard as it was, I resisted the urge to seek him out physically. People are entitled to their privacy and safety. Treat others as you want to be treated. Also, my therapist recommended I relinquish the past. 

The thing I wanted to ask myself, am I trying to make Seattle my boyfriend?

You know how I'm stuck in this boy crazy phase? They show me a little bit of a good time, and I drop everything to be with them. So, Seattle. Well, I spent much of today trying to plot another trip to Seattle for a Hot Girl Summer. 

I had an initial budget of $5k for 4 to 6 or 8 weeks.

After much hemming and hawing and clicking, the best I think I can do is just short of 4 weeks for about $6k. 

Wowzers!

I'd have to reduce my 401k contributions to make that happen. Of course, those credit cards were calling me. But I'd like to at least move the money to a checking account where that card is linked before making a purchase like that. So even if I'm charging it, there's a pot of money to pay off the credit card balance already ready.

Or at least develop a plan to pay it off sooner rather than later!

It was tough defining my objectives. I still don't know. I'm trying not to make it about dating, but that is definitely an under current.

Since I can't find love, I might as well have some fun.

So ideally, I think I'm just going to get away from NC; get out; have some fun; get some respite from the upcoming summer heat (one reason I'd rather visit Seattle sooner rather than later); and yes go on some dates.

After seeing all the beautiful homes (from the outside) and their views, I was kind of dreaming of living in a place like that even momentarily. 

I couldn't make it work on AirBnB because the cancellation policies were non-existent. I didn't feel good about that. 

So my best bet was a hotel stay because you can cancel up until like a few days before the trip. That was what made me feel the most comfortable. You know, Feelings. 

But am I trying to marry Seattle? 

I had a kissy date on Saturday and that made me feel all hot and bothered. He wanted my number because he said he would never email me. Oh well.

I'm glad I didn't give it to him.

I have to remember guys say all kinds of things. I mean by the end of the night, I'd thought of like 8 dates we could go on.

So this is me striking while the iron is hot. I want to talk to my therapist, and ask if she thinks I'm moving too fast.

It's not necessarily that I'm trying to go back just to hook up with this dude but I'm trying to figure out if I would be going back if that wasn't a possibility?

And the answer is, I don't know.

I think since the alternative is always going to be sitting in this house alone with nothing to do, anything else seems like the better option.

There is a part of me that dreams of just making a new life somewhere. 

I think since going to the dark place so recently, I do feel a sense of wanting to at least spend some of this money, and I seem to have found no shortage of ways to do that.

So why not go somewhere a little more exotic than Seattle?

What am I going to be doing in Europe?

Technically, I could go on dates there? That feels a lot more dangerous to me, actually.

I know I don't know anyone in Seattle to look after me, but gosh in a whole foreign country where I don't even know how to ask for help?! That feels scary! 

I'm not that brave. 

Baby steps.

So yes, the dream was for like a month or 2 to just live in a really great house and live like a millionaire hot girl, but even at $5k that was not enough money.

I'm spending like crazy (for a frugalista), but I'm not actually crazy! 

Also, I couldn't really figure out what neighborhood I wanted to be in because near the waterviews, there weren't too many walkable places.

So I prioritized basic needs - food source and outdoor space.

My room last time was kinda dark and tucked away in an alley. 

I wanted a balcony and waterview, and I think what I settled on was a Juliet balcony and hopefully some sort of city view. 

If I went to Bremerton, I could probably get something a bit more tranquil but I don't know if I could really walk anywhere. It did have yummy Thai.

But let's face it, I still want to try to go on like 3 dates a week. And I'd have to take a ferry ride everytime to get back to Seattle.

The only problems I faced with downtown Seattle is that when I looked up things to do on Meetup, nothing was in walking distance. Everything was over some body of water near Broadway or something.

So I don't know what to do about that.

I really don't think AirBnB is going to work out with their inflexible cancellation policies. I don't know if I'm doing it right.

Also, when did flights get so expensive! I used to fly across the country easily for $200. Now when I looked up roundtrip to Seattle, it was easily $800 to $1,000.

I know if I click around too much to find a bargain, I'll end up not going.

No, Brain, this isn't how I plan on traveling in the future. I'm just going with it.

This is not as much of an acute survival trip.

This is more of a dumb girl wasting money.

So back to my original question, if kissing this boy again wasn't on the table, do I still want to go? I guess I don't want to be disappointed if I go there and we don't re-connect.

I feel like I got stuck on this wheel of using the next boy to get over the last one.

I think I'm just concerned with what am I going to do to fill up my time.

I wish there was something I could join locally that at least I could do or look forward to.

Maybe kayaking or hiking trails. But I wish I had a better understanding of how to get to those places from downtown.

I don't know. I'm starting to lose momentum.

I'll have to write more about the last 2 days of my trip.

Basically, I kissed a boy and I liked it!