A $36 Fee and other stressors

 I want to be madder than I am, but I'm such a live wire right now I don't know which feeling to feel first. I mostly just want to go to McDonald's and get chips and watch TV.

I have to run a meeting next Tuesday and kind of wanted my final draft completed. I think I started off thinking it was going to be easy, but at the last minute, a bunch of issues came up.

I have a pretty low distress tolerance. Sigh.

I get all jumbled up and want to hide from the world.

My Seattle penpal and I have exchanged a few more emails now. Am I starting to catch some feelings? Um, a bit. 

I think I want to learn to day trade a little. I want to turn 5 or 10k into many more Ks. But I think I'm only willing to lose $1k of my own money. Or this might all be a ploy to reach out to Date #2 from Seattle. Probably the second thing.

I definitely need a hobby, and making more money seems like a valiant one.

I hate that when I'm stressed I question all my life's choices. 

I made up my mind yesterday that I would shelve the Seattle trip planning or thinking until after the 2 week mark (so May 7), but I got caught in a rabbit hole.

Still figuring out when to speak up to colleagues. I do have a half in- half out mentality right now. While I'm trying to enjoy the right now, I can't help but look further into the future and wonder what the long game is. 

I'm trying to do my best but also stay under the radar. I don't think I could really do a leadership role in this job. I don't know. So that makes me feel a little uneasy. 

Anyway, the stress of upcoming deadlines just has my mind all up in a tizzy.

Oh, the fee! I bought Peacock but it was on an old card and got charged a $36 fee. Grrr!!

I hate when I lose track of my accounts like that. I've already been wanting to get rid of that account and now this. 

Oh well, I'm trying not to dwell on it. 

The other thing I'm not sure about is VTSAX. I was so excited because I made some big girl moves. VTSAX was down and my target date fund was up a bit, so I traded all my Target Date Fund for VTSAX at bargain prices. But then I wonder with VTSAX being so high per share and my relatively low time horizon, is it better to have more shares or this share.

I think I prefer more shares. So now I question whether that was the right move. Oh well. 

I had been gung ho about moving some of my 401k money out of target date funds to another pricey index fund, but I think I'm not going to do that based on the above logic. I'm not trying to live forever. I think in the 20 years I'm projecting, I'd rather just have lots of good shares than a few 'very good' shares. 

When I look at the Target Date Fund and VTSAX over their 52 week high vs 52 week low, the dollar amount difference is pretty similar. So that would benefit me to have more shares!

I think a part of me is still leaning towards making the next 2 years my last hurrah -for a lot of things but life experiences in general. Large expenses, love, one more "last push" to make a life I want to live before settling down for The Final Countdown. 

It's brought on by the 2 year lockdown, reaching FIRE, and just overall neutral feelings about work and life in general. 

I don't think I'll pull the trigger, but I'm still intrigued about living somewhere else for the next 2 years. Like can I live before I actually retire and die. 

It's just been survival for so long.

I think hearing one of my committee members talk about their sibling living in Alaska for 2 years just to get away kinda gave my fantasy life. 

I want to be FIRE free, I want to just spend money, go out, make friends, fall in love. I guess as much as I do all these things to take myself out of the running (gold tooth, hysterectomy, Death House, etc), there is a part of me where hope never dies. 

I want to live out loud. I want to keep trying until I get it right.

But Rational and Historical Knowledge Brain are the gatekeepers to this crazy-trying to live a fantasy.

I think I need to reconcile what are realistic expectations vs what is maybe portrayed in happy media. 

I'm not entirely convinced there is more to life than this.